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新诗 – 乡泉
魏鵬展
秀才


Joined: 14 Apr 2009
Posts: 606
Location: Hong Kong 香港
魏鵬展Collection
PostPosted: 2010-07-03 00:45:52    Post subject: 新诗 – 乡泉 Reply with quote

乡泉 魏鹏展

缩小了的池塘没有水
矮了的围墙长了些绿
农田起了破房子
成了爸爸的小孩
白了胡子的叔叔
寒暄中没有乡音的陌生
竹丛下的清泉
漂着几片菜叶
流过浣衣女的歌声

2010年5月29日 夜
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香港文學報《小說與詩》投稿方法+稿約、稿例、最新一期目錄:
http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_60b7bcff01018dcp.html

魏鵬展是香港詩人、《小說與詩》主編、中文教師;微信(WeChat): npcjeffrey
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博弈
榜眼


Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection
PostPosted: 2010-07-03 16:30:22    Post subject: Reply with quote

有意境。
9行;3,3,3结构。‘的’字在每三行中的分配也不错(1,2; 1,2,3; 1,3)。
最后三行收得好,意境得出!浅见~
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(在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美)
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魏鵬展
秀才


Joined: 14 Apr 2009
Posts: 606
Location: Hong Kong 香港
魏鵬展Collection
PostPosted: 2010-07-03 16:44:43    Post subject: Reply with quote

博弈 wrote:
有意境。
...




博弈兄看得很仔細,我下筆時沒有注意到這些東西,你這樣說我才留意到呢。haha...
_________________
香港文學報《小說與詩》投稿方法+稿約、稿例、最新一期目錄:
http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_60b7bcff01018dcp.html

魏鵬展是香港詩人、《小說與詩》主編、中文教師;微信(WeChat): npcjeffrey
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