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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

阳光斜进了南窗

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2009-09-14 01:20:20 Post subject: 阳光斜进了南窗

阳光斜进了南窗这个适于拣棉花的下午大哥的汗水正在抛亮异乡城市的脚手架大嫂和她的小姨闲坐家中在阳光照不到的地方，聊谈阳光照不到的烦恼大哥牙缝里挤回的尿素助长素抵不过夏天的两场风暴大嫂叹息，那些脱落的棉花蕾铃那些等不到雪白的鹅黄与紫红夭折了她所有的期待小姨也抱怨，耕种的十多亩田地太轻撬不动儿子的大学费用不如明年一起丢下锄头，远离泥土去广东，去服装厂 2009/9/12

William Zhou周道模
探花

Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection

Posted: 2009-09-14 03:32:47 Post subject:

不动声色地素描，写出了某种现实的悲凉。 _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱. 周道模

成都锦瑟
童生

Joined: 13 Aug 2009
Posts: 60
Location: 成都
成都锦瑟Collection

Posted: 2009-09-14 17:47:25 Post subject:

题名和结尾句精妙。问候。 _________________ http://blog.sina.com.cn/cdjinse23

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2009-09-14 18:06:08 Post subject:

William Zhou周道模 wrote:

不动声色地素描，写出了某种现实的悲凉。

是悲哀！
谢兄赏读！

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2009-09-14 18:06:50 Post subject:

成都锦瑟 wrote:

题名和结尾句精妙。问候。

谢谢欣赏，问好！

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2009-09-15 04:01:15 Post subject:

我想，结尾句“用种棉花的手耕种城市的流水线”有画蛇添足之嫌，还是删了为妙。

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2009-09-15 04:57:12 Post subject:

关注农村现实的境况，欣赏~

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2009-10-05 00:56:57 Post subject:

谢谢明月关注！农村，农民，是永远的底层。。

杨海军
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Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2009-10-05 03:04:55 Post subject:

结尾真的好！！！！！ _________________ 走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮 ——拙作《离开村庄》 http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
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Posted: 2009-10-17 22:20:40 Post subject:

杨海军 wrote:

结尾真的好！！！！！

问好！
这是农民的悲哀，是农业的悲哀。。。。

张南城
秀才

Joined: 02 Aug 2009
Posts: 145
Location: 中国安庆
张南城Collection

Posted: 2010-02-01 01:59:38 Post subject:

阳光照到"烦脑",让棉花茁壮地露出笑脸. _________________ 感谢我的太阳每天如约升起……

阿依琼裙
秀才

Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 920
Location: 废墟之上
阿依琼裙Collection

Posted: 2010-02-03 21:27:55 Post subject:

生活的诗歌，很真实，很触动～问好荷梦！ _________________ 踏过废墟,走来 http://blog.sina.com.cn/m/weiyurong

博弈
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Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection

Posted: 2010-02-04 11:59:40 Post subject:

荷梦 wrote:

阳光斜进了南窗
大哥的汗水正在抛亮异乡城市的脚手架
...

大哥牙缝里挤回的尿素助长素...

抛亮，词典似无这样的词语,当地话?何解?

挤回, 是想形容自领导那儿苦要来的尿素? 果如此,
这句的精确度似还可改进.
_________________
（在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美）

重庆子衣
童生

Joined: 24 May 2008
Posts: 26

重庆子衣Collection

Posted: 2010-02-16 18:38:22 Post subject:

贴近现实的诗。支持这个写作方向。祝梦梦虎年佳作频频哈~

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2010-02-19 02:38:25 Post subject:

张南城 wrote:

阳光照到"烦脑",让棉花茁壮地露出笑脸.

但愿！
虎年好，南城君！

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2010-02-19 02:40:32 Post subject:

阿依琼裙 wrote:

生活的诗歌，很真实，很触动～

问好荷梦！

好久不见！问好阿依，祝虎年吉祥！

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2010-02-19 02:54:06 Post subject:

博弈 wrote:

荷梦 wrote:

阳光斜进了南窗
大哥的汗水正在抛亮异乡城市的脚手架
...

大哥牙缝里挤回的尿素助长素...

抛亮，词典似无这样的词语,当地话?何解?
...

谢谢博弈读得这么仔细！
在建筑工地的农民工工资都是年底一起发，平时只有生活费，所以，平时寄回家的钱都是省吃俭用的，所以说”大哥牙缝里挤回的尿素助长素”

抛亮，属自创的吧，金属用久了便如抛了光般，而城市的新建筑之所以能一座又一座地高耸，还不是因为农民工们在抛洒着自己的汗水吗？

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2010-02-19 02:57:27 Post subject:

重庆子衣 wrote:

贴近现实的诗。支持这个写作方向。祝梦梦虎年佳作频频哈~

谢谢子衣，向你学习！

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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