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※ 风景（外一首）

李有明
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Joined: 15 Jan 2008
Posts: 310

李有明Collection

Posted: 2009-06-18 02:32:05 Post subject: ※ 风景（外一首）

※ 风景拔一只撸一叶扁舟海上涨满海风，夏季的海滨一个人目视着远方海水潮起潮落摇击水中的礁石海风胡乱梳理头发海水吞噬着岸边的脚印浓绿深处浩漫的生存布景后面在光线或明或暗的所在伫立着一带风景不需要时间或是语言我很美因为有了人我冷静而永恒地去看山去看海…… 到了山颠到了海边…… 我又向左，向右，向左注目人间的风景 ※ 老井的寂寞把清澈融为生命像汩汩的血脉涌起激情的生活不同时节泉水被采颉和粮食一起送入大地般辽阔的胃里简单而丰富的流程像微笑一样倾泻亲切的依偎在你身旁听你讲讲童年的故事

詩盜喜裸評
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Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2009-06-18 05:01:22 Post subject:

谢谢先！后一些再开刀。 _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

红袖添乱
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Joined: 09 Jan 2008
Posts: 778

红袖添乱Collection

Posted: 2009-06-18 09:52:17 Post subject:

先欢迎，后打麻药。诗盗开刀很疼的。我是负责打麻药的 _________________ 梦的一端是我脉脉的凝视，而另一端是你清澈的眼睛。

李有明
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Joined: 15 Jan 2008
Posts: 310

李有明Collection

Posted: 2009-06-18 14:59:47 Post subject:

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:

谢谢先！后一些在开刀。

好的，欢迎老师们指导！

李有明
秀才

Joined: 15 Jan 2008
Posts: 310

李有明Collection

Posted: 2009-06-18 15:00:31 Post subject:

红袖添乱 wrote:

先欢迎，后打麻药。

诗盗开刀很疼的。我是负责打麻药的

我太幸福了，有老师们的引导！

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2009-06-19 06:30:43 Post subject: 您客气了！没有老师，只是这里更鼓励批评。所以。。。

李有明 wrote:

诗盗喜裸评 wrote:

谢谢先！后一些在开刀。

好的，欢迎老师们指导！

_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2009-06-19 06:32:14 Post subject: 红袖的确是最好的麻药。

红袖添乱 wrote:

先欢迎，后打麻药。

诗盗开刀很疼的。我是负责打麻药的

_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2009-06-19 06:38:10 Post subject:

喜欢 ※风景※ 这首作品的氛围，很完整。(的)用得太多，读来有些负担。 _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

李有明
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Joined: 15 Jan 2008
Posts: 310

李有明Collection

Posted: 2009-06-20 02:56:01 Post subject:

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:

喜欢 ※风景※ 这首作品的氛围，很完整。(的)用得太多，读来有些负担。

问好，马上去砍！

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2009-06-20 05:41:15 Post subject: 把这首作品营造的距离感放到(门诊厅)去，应是个可参考的技巧。

李有明 wrote:

诗盗喜裸评 wrote:

喜欢 ※风景※ 这首作品的氛围，很完整。(的)用得太多，读来有些负担。

问好，马上去砍！

_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

悠子
举人

Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
Location: US
悠子Collection

Posted: 2009-06-21 07:52:25 Post subject:

喜欢风景最后一段

李有明
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Joined: 15 Jan 2008
Posts: 310

李有明Collection

Posted: 2009-06-22 11:18:34 Post subject:

悠子 wrote:

喜欢风景最后一段

问好，多谢！

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