立国
童生
Joined: 11 Jun 2009
Posts: 21
Location: Toronto
立国Collection |
 Posted: 2009-06-15 10:58:36 Post subject: My translating practice |
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苏幕遮
范仲淹
碧云天
黄叶地
秋色连波
波上寒烟翠
山映斜阳天接水
芳草无情
更在夕阳外
黯乡魂
追旅思
夜夜除非
好梦留人睡
明月楼高休独倚
酒入愁肠
化作相思泪
Sumuzhe
By Fan Zhongyan Translated by Zhang liguo
The blue sky and white cloud
The yellow leaves falling on the earth
The autumn color dyed the endless waves
The chilly frog is jadeite
The sky and water fused
The maintain against the sunset
The merciless grass
Growing beyond
Homesick and depressed
My travel memories be chased
How many nights can hardly endure
Unless a nice dream attached
While the moon is bright and high
And should be not nestling against mansion lonely
How longed for you
The wine I drank turned into tears |
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Lake
举人
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
| Posted: 2009-06-15 20:30:08 Post subject: |
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| 立国 wrote: |
苏幕遮
The blue sky and white cloud
The yellow leaves falling on the earth
The autumn color dyed the endless waves
The chilly frog is jadeite
The sky and water fused
The maintain against the sunset
The merciless grass
Growing beyond
Homesick and depressed
My travel memories be chased
How many nights can hardly endure
Unless a nice dream attached
While the moon is bright and high
And should be not nestling against mansion lonely
How longed for you
The wine I drank turned into tears
... |
Thanks for sharing.
It would be better to separate title from the text. Here are a few things I noticed:
L4, where does "frog" come from?
L6, "maintain" or "mountain"?
Verse one reads like a list.
Regards
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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