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《外星大螳螂》二首(练习,欢迎大家狠批)
半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2009-03-02 03:33:40    Post subject: 《外星大螳螂》二首(练习,欢迎大家狠批) Reply with quote

《外星大螳螂》



夜,漆黑。郊外。一个小女孩
在草坪上来回地走。她似乎迷了路
又似乎在等待着什么。
她的绿色连衣裙被风旋起
像一对透明的翅膀。
她的双臂在头顶胡乱地舞
像挥着两把碧玉刀,闪着荧光。
突然,她爬在草地上,一动不动。
她的前方,一只巨大的螳螂
慢慢移过来。它浑身发亮,像一盏灯。
雄壮的钳子夹着一页薄纸。
她抖索着求饶:别杀我
我不是母螳螂,是小孩。
它哈哈大笑,递过那张纸转瞬即逝。
纸上抬头:班级_____姓名_____成绩____
接下来:1填空;2填空;3填空
......填空,填空,填空。
“啊——,我不要回答,我不回答”
她的两手在床上胡乱地摆。梦不醒。



《药》



一场淅淅沥沥的夜雨
终结了二月。三月的第一天
她抱着疼痛的胃,在床上听雨声。
雨声嘀嗒滴嗒,它不是电话铃声。

虾在床上煮,千万只蚂蚁在背后酸
胃袋里塞满大石头。
给我刀子,我要刮去
这噬人的蚂蚁,我要挖出
这沉重的石头。她大声呻吟
对着空空的屋子喊。

疼得紧了,就趴马桶上吐。
吐针尖,吐石头,吐不能消化的
如鲠在喉的……翻江倒海,五脏六腑
她吐出梅花,没吐出桃花。

滴嗒滴嗒,她看下手机,屏幕亮着
真的在响。她听着,蹙紧的眉头散开了
她笑着,酒窝回到了脸上。
似乎刚生病的不是她
又似乎从来就没有病过。
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后现代刀子
童生


Joined: 21 Feb 2009
Posts: 59

后现代刀子Collection
PostPosted: 2009-03-02 03:46:06    Post subject: Reply with quote

斑竹的《药》写的不错。
个人感觉。
把一个淋漓的过程写的尽致了。
最后三句,喜欢中
_________________
88年的。
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韩少君
进士出身


Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection
PostPosted: 2009-03-02 04:03:32    Post subject: Reply with quote

似乎刚生病的不是她
又似乎从来就没有病过。

我的优点:在坚持自己正确的同时,放弃自己的错误!

我会向自己的心灵检讨,并毫不留情地批判自己。
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靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2009-03-02 04:11:18    Post subject: Reply with quote

韩少君 wrote:
似乎刚生病的不是她
...

你又如何知道自己对错?
我也在坚持自己的坚持。
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杨海军
进士出身


Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection
PostPosted: 2009-03-02 14:05:43    Post subject: Reply with quote

这两首不错。我认为第一首好一些,打破了形式。
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走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮
——拙作《离开村庄》
http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751
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安红红
同进士出身


Joined: 07 Feb 2009
Posts: 1808

安红红Collection
PostPosted: 2009-03-02 19:55:13    Post subject: Reply with quote

俺刚看到题目时~就笑了~猜着明月会写什么样的内容~挺有趣的
第一首和第二首诗歌内容反差蛮大的~一下子拐过来需要适应会呢~

还原真实~问好~
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如果不开始,会失去过程。
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微信:qisebaihuayuan
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骨笛
秀才


Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Posts: 547

骨笛Collection
PostPosted: 2009-03-02 23:40:56    Post subject: Reply with quote

疼痛是无奈,喊喊能让自己知觉不泯。
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我把天空装在我家里,鸟儿天空中飞来飞去
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姜慕水
秀才


Joined: 20 Jan 2009
Posts: 104

姜慕水Collection
PostPosted: 2009-03-03 03:15:55    Post subject: Reply with quote

第一个蛮有趣,第二个感觉的刻画比较细腻。
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刘浪
秀才


Joined: 04 Dec 2008
Posts: 227

刘浪Collection
PostPosted: 2009-03-04 20:24:46    Post subject: Reply with quote

默默品读。大声问好。 Laughing
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