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暴雨思绪【山东•烟台的一个夏日】
雨中垂钓人
秀才


Joined: 18 Jun 2007
Posts: 109

雨中垂钓人Collection
PostPosted: 2008-12-17 12:51:45    Post subject: 暴雨思绪【山东•烟台的一个夏日】 Reply with quote

暑天瞬间的凉爽,
在于云遮挡阳光,
留下一块荫凉。
透过云的缝隙,
像剑一般投下,
是强烈的光芒。
云在疾行,
光芒在缝隙中闪烁,
又成一片片的荫凉。
有了一些雨滴,
敲打在身上,
感受到滴滴砸地的声响。
前面路还很长,
是疾走是倘佯,
四周还有着阳光。
雨急簇的坠落,
头已经不敢高扬,
水在脚下流淌。
头发渗出了水溪,
手帕已不能阻挡,
衣服紧贴在身上。
天还是很亮,
看见雨线在闪光,
眼睛却睁得勉强。
路依然是很长,
跑与走没有两样,
尽享温凉交替的浴汤。
在茫茫的雨雾中,
有一些思想,
融入了雷声的酣畅。
脸有些茫然,
已不在乎路的走向,
暗存躲避的祈望。
湿透了的身体,
罩进无边的雨网,
忽然是一片的明光。
云在飞速的卷席,
太阳已没有一丝遮挡,
蒸腾出现在地上。
依旧没有风,
感到了晒的烤烫,
心又在寻找原来的荫凉。
2008-12-16
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司马策风
举人


Joined: 03 Dec 2006
Posts: 1211
Location: 温哥华
司马策风Collection
PostPosted: 2008-12-18 17:07:51    Post subject: Reply with quote

音韵和谐,语言流畅。

作为诗歌来讲,欠缺跳跃提炼和发酵,尤其是“思路”,仍然停留在散文的习惯上。

诗歌,一定要用诗歌的思路!

个见,仅供参考!

问好!
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《北美枫》司马策风文集

http://www.maplereview.org/best.php?t=8676
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邹崧蔚
童生


Joined: 08 Dec 2008
Posts: 93

邹崧蔚Collection
PostPosted: 2008-12-18 17:20:06    Post subject: Reply with quote

酣畅淋漓。问好朋友。
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我能说什么呢,我什么也没有说,是他在说。
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