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Maple Review Home -> 落尘诗社

梅花烙雪

悠子
举人

Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
Location: US
悠子Collection

Posted: 2008-12-11 06:04:34 Post subject:

这一烙，冰雪全部消融

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-12-11 07:06:50 Post subject:

哇塞！还以为说我哪～ _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-12-11 07:19:32 Post subject: 123很好，456需要来碗瘦身汤。

红袖添乱 wrote:

你是个野心勃勃的家伙
...

第三段觉得断行处有疑议。

怎么办？
我的爱也回不去了
你只好留下来，魂随我舞
花为我飞。。。

若此，参考1。

怎么办？我的爱也回不去了
你只好留下来，魂随我舞
花为我飞。。。

若此，参考2。

怎么办？我的爱也回不去了
你只好留下来，魂随我舞，花为我飞

若此，参考3。

怎么办？我的爱
回不去了，你只好留下来
魂随我舞，花为我飞

不需要为了断行而断行，这里好像是腰。
_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

苏茉儿
秀才

Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 739

苏茉儿Collection

Posted: 2008-12-13 07:56:08 Post subject:

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:

红袖添乱 wrote:

你是个野心勃勃的家伙
...

第三段觉得断行处有疑议。
...

感觉没瘦嘛。。打回去重瘦。：）
_________________
默默无言处，盈盈一笑间。

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-12-13 12:53:30 Post subject: 姑奶奶！要瘦的是下半身。。。第三段最后定稿。

苏茉儿 wrote:

诗盗喜裸评 wrote:

红袖添乱 wrote:

你是个野心勃勃的家伙
...

第三段觉得断行处有疑议。
...

感觉没瘦嘛。。打回去重瘦。：）

若此，参考4。

怎么办？我的爱再也回不去了
你只好留下来。。。魂随我舞
花为我飞
_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

拈花微笑
秀才

Joined: 21 Jan 2008
Posts: 311

拈花微笑Collection

Posted: 2008-12-13 17:59:51 Post subject:

梅和雪的意象，用得新颖。二者间的内在关联，对话，互动，层层深入。。。很精彩。 _________________ 瞠目结舌

苏茉儿
秀才

Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 739

苏茉儿Collection

Posted: 2008-12-13 18:19:44 Post subject:

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:

苏茉儿 wrote:

诗盗喜裸评 wrote:

红袖添乱 wrote:

你是个野心勃勃的家伙
...

第三段觉得断行处有疑议。
...

感觉没瘦嘛。。打回去重瘦。：）

若此，参考4。
...

怎么办？我的爱
再也回不去了，你只好留下来
魂随我舞，花飞
我飞。。。

好吧，定格：）））
_________________
默默无言处，盈盈一笑间。

红袖添乱
秀才

Joined: 09 Jan 2008
Posts: 778

红袖添乱Collection

Posted: 2008-12-15 17:32:54 Post subject: 基本上，我是觉得后面两段可去掉

哈哈哈~~~55555~~~~` 哭笑~~ _________________ 梦的一端是我脉脉的凝视，而另一端是你清澈的眼睛。

悠子
举人

Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
Location: US
悠子Collection

Posted: 2008-12-15 18:36:51 Post subject: 最后两段挺你的，就那痴样儿

红袖添乱 wrote:

哈哈哈~~~55555~~~~`

哭笑~~

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-12-15 20:38:32 Post subject: 沒錯！ＡＢ型、雙子座、屬兔。

悠子 wrote:

红袖添乱 wrote:

哈哈哈~~~55555~~~~`

哭笑~~

_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

是有缘
秀才

Joined: 08 Feb 2008
Posts: 741

是有缘Collection

Posted: 2008-12-16 18:19:54 Post subject:

风在这里作证我们的灵魂再也分不开从此别人也将这样羡慕你：魂随我舞，花为我飞。。。 _________________ 蜻蜓点水非无意愁云化雨是有情

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