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原创《迟到的拳》
yinxiaoyuan
举人


Joined: 08 Jun 2007
Posts: 1181
Location: 中国北京
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PostPosted: 2008-12-11 23:56:14    Post subject: 原创《迟到的拳》 Reply with quote

迟到的拳
殷晓媛
夜幕锃亮。一记喑哑的左直拳击出,
没有钢花溅起。我来自镜面背后,眼睛里
淌着橘色的水银。皱褶的宇宙在你背后
陷落成360度锋利的黑色的角。这个令你困惑的位置
使你失忆,无法想起与撒旦交换躯体的野史。
杀气让镜面浮动缥缈,玄机重重的空间寂静无声
掩护着你的眼神。如果你接到来自冷拳的信号,像一个标满
红色刻度的透明靶盘。你一定会怀疑它来自一个
错位的自我。手表刻度盘上鲜血在抑扬顿挫
矜持的走着,你怀疑是不是该用枪指着虚拟影像中
那个与你完美对称的敌人。真正的死亡缺乏先例。杀手总要神情忧郁
狂热嗜好交响乐,所以错觉的影子优雅得出奇。在我的拳
到达之前,你还有十光年去嘲笑映像的被动和封闭,十光年
举起圣经发誓你再无克星,十光年回避是否拆开镜中
那个貌似可怕的傀儡身体,和貌似和善的灵魂表象,还有十光年
去猜测最后会是哪一颗流弹,结束你的跋扈和焦虑。

拳在路上,你不用像等一班午夜列车
为它的到达找出先兆。点上一支烟,把头仰到
秋分时日光斜射的角度,你会看到端倪和结论之间
那条些微弯曲的轨道。燃烧的拳挣脱它融化的主人之后
就变成一颗悲壮的彗星。纵使你没入坟墓,几百年后的夜晚
它依然敲响你的墓碑。如大白话所说,不是不报,
时辰未到。
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

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PostPosted: 2008-12-12 02:45:06    Post subject: Reply with quote

诗歌很大气~学习了
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白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
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PostPosted: 2008-12-12 04:41:40    Post subject: Reply with quote

问好才女, 回来再细读
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
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PostPosted: 2008-12-13 04:39:14    Post subject: Reply with quote

昨晚朋友抓差, 回来太晚.
诗歌很有底韵. 排版有个小建议, 多分几行, 就不这么密密麻麻的影响阅读了. 个人的感觉吧, 不妥见谅.
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邹崧蔚
童生


Joined: 08 Dec 2008
Posts: 93

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PostPosted: 2008-12-13 19:01:14    Post subject: Reply with quote

好像诗体小说,给人一种魔幻感,个人感觉。问候朋友。
_________________
我能说什么呢,我什么也没有说,是他在说。
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博弈
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Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
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PostPosted: 2008-12-14 08:15:01    Post subject: Reply with quote

提!
_________________
(在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美)
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yinxiaoyuan
举人


Joined: 08 Jun 2007
Posts: 1181
Location: 中国北京
yinxiaoyuanCollection
PostPosted: 2008-12-14 15:33:30    Post subject: Reply with quote

白水 Moonlight wrote:
排版有个小建议, 多分几行, 就不这么密密麻麻的影响阅读了.
...

姐姐说的有道理,不过,可能是个人习惯吧,总是喜欢写长句,觉得截断了以后会在意向上出现不连贯,影响爆发性的气势,不过看别的诗友的短句,也有很有力很磅礴的,可能是个人癖好。。。呵呵
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yinxiaoyuan
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Joined: 08 Jun 2007
Posts: 1181
Location: 中国北京
yinxiaoyuanCollection
PostPosted: 2008-12-14 15:36:13    Post subject: Reply with quote

邹崧蔚 wrote:
好像诗体小说,给人一种魔幻感,个人感觉。问候朋友。

问候诗友邹兄,请多批评!
鄙人确实比较喜欢玄幻小说,自己也写过一些,可能这对诗歌风格有影响。
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韩少君
进士出身


Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
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PostPosted: 2008-12-14 16:37:43    Post subject: Reply with quote

学习!
_________________
靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345
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