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心中的疑惑
雨中垂钓人
秀才


Joined: 18 Jun 2007
Posts: 109

雨中垂钓人Collection
PostPosted: 2008-11-04 22:24:15    Post subject: 心中的疑惑 Reply with quote

天蓝得净,没有一丝的云彩。草木在烈日下萎缩,路人没有生气的匆匆走过。是太阳的猛烈,还是天空的敞亮。
水阔的大,无边无际的细浪。船在脚下还觉宽敞,抬头翘望没有尽头的茫然。是船行的不快,还是水面没有划片。
人纯的很,一辈子忠厚老实。面朝黄土背朝天的干,贫穷的境遇却没个尽头。是上天的不公,是祖宗风水没选对。
树很笔直,枝枝杈杈自己脱落。砍下来作为梁柱,留下矮矮的根面显示年轮。有树荫的是树,能流传久久的佳话。
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William Zhou周道模
探花


Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection
PostPosted: 2008-11-06 02:11:25    Post subject: Reply with quote

语句不一定这样齐整,自然一些是否好些?
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诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模
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荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2008-11-07 00:51:43    Post subject: Reply with quote

恩,我也觉得作为散文,通篇这样齐整的语言反倒不好!
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一身灰
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Joined: 14 Jun 2008
Posts: 354

一身灰Collection
PostPosted: 2008-11-08 16:37:34    Post subject: Reply with quote

有风格。你说的真让人疑惑。
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sfiawong
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Joined: 05 May 2009
Posts: 813
Location: US/HK
sfiawongCollection
PostPosted: 2009-07-05 16:51:47    Post subject: Reply with quote

文筆不錯,最重要還是創作,管它初試是什麼型式,創作理念是主要.
跟別人的行文型式,不是好與壞的問題,格式是可日後改良..什麼無所謂了!
欣賞見你的表現,不錯!
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Love your relatives and friends when they are near you.
我的英文詩:
http://poemhunter.com/albert-wong
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