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【我的小房子】
子花
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Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection
PostPosted: 2008-07-08 07:29:09    Post subject: 【我的小房子】 Reply with quote
【我的小房子】

租间房
把自己的东西搬进去
房子很小
绝对容不下别的什么
但我很喜欢，睡着舒坦

后来学着谈女朋友了
我们彼此爱着
后来她跟我住一起了
她把东西搬了进来
小房子还能装下它们

再后来她走了
把她的东西都搬了出去
我横竖睡都感觉特别宽敞


工作差点让我无法思考！久不来，望各位朋友诗人海涵！！多批评，子花给各位致谢了！！
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司马策风
举人


Joined: 03 Dec 2006
Posts: 1211
Location: 温哥华
司马策风Collection
PostPosted: 2008-07-08 19:16:01    Post subject: Reply with quote
语言质朴生活化.

看得出,子花想在平凡的生活中挖掘出不平凡的哲理--这是你结尾句子努力的趋势,

但你今天的工作似乎并未达到你的预期.个见

问好子花
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-07-08 20:11:23    Post subject: Reply with quote
再后来她走了
把她的东西都搬了出去
我横竖睡都感觉特别宽敞
结尾不错~
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子花
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Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection
PostPosted: 2008-07-09 07:58:24    Post subject: Reply with quote
两位诗人晚上好！！等你们明天看到我的问好时候我又在公司拼搏了！！ Crying or Very sad
其实工作一点也不苦，但是生活却怎么那么的难过？？！！！
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朱煜国
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Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 121

朱煜国Collection
PostPosted: 2008-07-10 04:04:05    Post subject: 问候子花 Reply with quote
问候子花，你的诗歌信手拈来，生活气息很敞亮，并与以上看法一致，结尾很好，拿得起放得下啊 ！
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子花
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Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection
PostPosted: 2008-07-11 07:37:48    Post subject: Reply with quote
感谢朱煜国诗人点评！！晚上好！！
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钓月
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Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Posts: 409
Location: 中国江苏
钓月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-10-23 15:09:38    Post subject: Reply with quote
家家都有一本难念的经！
若是在异乡打拚的话，特别不易！但应学会适应！
且把他乡作天堂，若没有，也要自己造一个！朋友珍重！
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