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秋思

爱爱
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Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 167

爱爱Collection

Posted: 2008-10-04 10:35:07 Post subject: 秋思

秋思 by 林间青竹 -------------只因为想起一句话：千江有水千江月 1 折枝茱萸寄重阳登高远望树叶匆匆黄塞上秋意层层凉南归雁字思乡又成行剪剪西风伴斜阳芦苇飞花絮絮诉衷肠 *********** 2 一场秋雨一层凉一池秋莲一季殇待得千江水映月断肠将君细思量

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-10-04 18:14:22 Post subject:

断肠将君细思量。这句不好，可以再改改。 _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

爱爱
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Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 167

爱爱Collection

Posted: 2008-10-04 19:13:31 Post subject:

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:

断肠将君细思量。这句不好，可以再改改。

一场秋雨一层凉
一池秋莲一季殇
待得千江水映月

再思量天地苍茫或者是

再思量黯然断肠

凡请DD老师看看，这两个可好些？

谢谢诗盗兄，万分感谢中~~

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-10-04 20:18:46 Post subject: DD很好，这里无师。

爱爱 wrote:

诗盗喜裸评 wrote:

断肠将君细思量。这句不好，可以再改改。

一场秋雨一层凉
...

觉得后句较前句适当，两句相融或可成：
不思量黯然断肠。
不思量天地苍茫。

但觉得（黯然断肠）形容重覆，（然）字夹平，学古，能避之当避，往后能再上层楼不至成习。

（不思量天地苍茫）则显苍老，似乎不适和女性。

不思量天地神伤。延续前由，这是我现在能想到的，你若有更佳的，请继续。
_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

爱爱
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Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 167

爱爱Collection

Posted: 2008-10-04 20:34:41 Post subject:

这样呢：纵不思量犹断肠

詩盜喜裸評
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Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-10-04 20:35:53 Post subject: 击掌！

爱爱 wrote:

这样呢：

纵不思量犹断肠

_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

曲元奇
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Joined: 01 Mar 2008
Posts: 427
Location: 山东
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Posted: 2008-10-04 22:02:52 Post subject:

配上曲子用古筝伴奏

红袖添乱
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Joined: 09 Jan 2008
Posts: 778

红袖添乱Collection

Posted: 2008-10-05 10:03:43 Post subject:

不思量，也断肠 _________________ 梦的一端是我脉脉的凝视，而另一端是你清澈的眼睛。

爱爱
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Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 167

爱爱Collection

Posted: 2008-10-05 15:53:22 Post subject: 对，就是那个意思~~

红袖添乱 wrote:

不思量，也断肠

拈花微笑
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Joined: 21 Jan 2008
Posts: 311

拈花微笑Collection

Posted: 2008-10-05 16:16:49 Post subject:

配上曲子用古筝伴奏 (zt) _________________ 瞠目结舌

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