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9/3日，风雨雷电交作

拈花微笑
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拈花微笑Collection

Posted: 2008-09-03 16:45:36 Post subject: 9/3日，风雨雷电交作

后院的桑树有些年头了，枝节却不多。邻居神秘地说这树曾被雷电击中过两次都是搬来之前的事，当然和我的因果报应无关现在，又是风雨雷电大作不用耽心老桑树了，它已无多余躯干可供天谴。可我张开双臂有一种献身于庇护的欲望黄昏大地空空的，滚着闪电那怕打雷的小女孩那儿去了呢？我有些惶恐不安 _________________ 瞠目结舌

詩盜喜裸評
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Joined: 15 May 2007
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Posted: 2008-09-04 02:18:21 Post subject:

找不到分段的共通性，连贯的情节因此钝挫，不同拈兄之前作品流畅中透着隐喻。到了（那怕打雷）处又再卡一次。 _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

拈花微笑
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拈花微笑Collection

Posted: 2008-09-04 04:33:29 Post subject:

忘了说，这诗贴出之前，被雷劈过。呵呵，玩笑。其实，这种跨行跨节的写法，也很常见。比如丽塔·达夫（Rita Dove） <调情> 夜晚已在天空中撒盐。我的心正哼着一首多年未听的小曲！冰凉的果肉静静的—— 我们嗅一嗅就将它吃掉吧。有一些方式能将这个时刻变成一片修剪过的树林，好让快乐从中穿行。（舒丹丹译） _________________ 瞠目结舌

红袖添乱
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Posted: 2008-09-04 05:38:24 Post subject: 批批批~~批斗~

微笑下面是说要写小散文吗。拭目以待。一定好看 _________________ 梦的一端是我脉脉的凝视，而另一端是你清澈的眼睛。

悠子
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Posted: 2008-09-04 05:40:46 Post subject:

怕打雷的小女孩一定是躲起来了

红袖添乱
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Posted: 2008-09-04 05:48:40 Post subject:

献身的欲望很好，派你写诗吧，也别挡雷档雨 _________________ 梦的一端是我脉脉的凝视，而另一端是你清澈的眼睛。

詩盜喜裸評
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詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-09-04 07:38:41 Post subject: 类似十四行的作法，乱中有序是入门练习。

拈花微笑 wrote:

忘了說，這詩貼出之前，被雷劈過。呵呵，玩笑。
...

_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

詩盜喜裸評
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Joined: 15 May 2007
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Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-09-04 07:41:01 Post subject: 我抱在怀里哪！

悠子 wrote:

怕打雷的小女孩一定是躲起來了

_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

詩盜喜裸評
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Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-09-04 07:42:55 Post subject: 哈～让他去吧！被雷劈的经验不可多得，能写下来也是美事。

紅袖添亂 wrote:

獻身的慾望很好，派你寫詩吧，也別擋雷檔雨

_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

悠子
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悠子Collection

Posted: 2008-09-04 07:55:37 Post subject: 哦，难怪笑笑有些惶恐不安

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:

悠子 wrote:

怕打雷的小女孩一定是躲起來了

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-09-04 08:03:57 Post subject: 哦，他也怕打雷吗？那肯定亏心事做多了。

悠子 wrote:

詩盜喜裸評 wrote:

悠子 wrote:

怕打雷的小女孩一定是躲起來了

_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

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