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[组诗] 西乡听歌
李智强
秀才


Joined: 07 Oct 2006
Posts: 169
Location: 莆田.福建.中国
李智强Collection
PostPosted: 2008-05-11 03:32:38    Post subject: [组诗] 西乡听歌 Reply with quote

[组诗] 西乡听歌

■西乡听歌

西乡。如此陌生
除了脚步
漂泊,借宿
难得假日也只得一个人走路

溜进超市
太多熟悉的 商品或食物
但没有一样能听我倾诉

可口可乐的品牌椅 坐了很多
面带忧伤的人
曲腿,放下屁股。听
热闹的场所播放凄凉的歌


■《生日礼物》

5月11号,就是这一天
我走断了几条热闹的街
寻找一份礼物,抚慰自己的寂寥

送自己到超市的门前
没有朋友。双眼望天
宝安机场的飞机啊
我,你接不接受?


■《彩云之南》

西乡是谁的西部?我举目
无亲。飞机掠过
回音悠长……

歌声继续飘荡
而我的眼里充满迷茫
四个月幻千年,如今她又在何方


■《回心转意》

像一缕山野的风,只拥有
转身的权力。还能说什么
自我安慰比沉默更违心

轻易拾起一粒沙子
对着阴暗的天空
没有光亮。掷地
成了十字路口

如果要回心转意
该选哪个路口?


■《壮志雄心》

商场继续惆怅的歌
诗人却早已经重度怆然

网吧。传说里的解药
躲进小楼,和空气成了一统

在屏幕面前,不必心虚
敲一行壮志雄心。戴起耳麦听:
路上再多崎岖
我有壮志雄心
就算跌倒也不在意—意—意

骤然中断!紧绷的声音
谎言最终被自己戳穿

继续伪装,谁也不能要我放弃
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【醉来天子不能传】
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-05-11 04:21:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

网吧。传说里的解药
躲进小楼,和空气成了一统

看到生活~问好!
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迪拜
同进士出身


Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection
PostPosted: 2008-05-11 16:41:21    Post subject: Reply with quote

提一个建议:

锻炼“单篇”的能力,

把好的语言,好的构思尽量放在“一个单篇里”

该说“彻底”,就说“彻底”

“组合”也好,

但是,“单篇”的写作还是要锻炼的。
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李智强
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Joined: 07 Oct 2006
Posts: 169
Location: 莆田.福建.中国
李智强Collection
PostPosted: 2008-05-13 20:50:29    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢谢迪拜老师!!!一定``
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nobody
进士出身


Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection
PostPosted: 2008-05-14 01:58:27    Post subject: Reply with quote

热闹的场所播放凄凉的歌

写得很好,还极谦虚。两方面都值得学习。
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李智强
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Joined: 07 Oct 2006
Posts: 169
Location: 莆田.福建.中国
李智强Collection
PostPosted: 2008-05-16 04:28:20    Post subject: Reply with quote

nobody wrote:
热闹的场所播放凄凉的歌
写得很好,还极谦虚。两方面都值得学习。

nobody..见笑咯..呵呵.问好
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【醉来天子不能传】
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