田建勋
秀才
Joined: 29 Jan 2007
Posts: 109
田建勋Collection |
 Posted: 2008-04-25 15:05:16 Post subject: 踏莎行*暮雨 |
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冷袭残红，音敲律吕。檐声不断难成曲。梦轻怎耐绿窗寒，断魂化作千千缕。
欲诉无人，清樽漫举，愁看庭外桃如菽。经年一别楚云遥，只将风月空留取。
08/04/22 |
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莹雪
进士出身
Joined: 28 Sep 2006
Posts: 2520
Location: 中国－辽宁·三燕故都
莹雪Collection |
| Posted: 2008-04-25 15:40:47 Post subject: |
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雅致含蓄。
上片第二句后两字似乎拗口，建议换一下字。个人见解，仅供参考！ |
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暗香如沁
秀才
Joined: 14 Jan 2007
Posts: 885
Location: 北京
暗香如沁Collection |
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是有缘
秀才
Joined: 08 Feb 2008
Posts: 741
是有缘Collection |
| Posted: 2008-04-27 19:54:12 Post subject: |
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好词。欣赏。
若下阙一二句用对仗就更好了。
《踏莎行》一般上下片开始二句例用对仗，如秦观：
雾失楼台
月迷津渡
。。。。
驿寄梅花
鱼传尺素
。。。。 |
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田建勋
秀才
Joined: 29 Jan 2007
Posts: 109
田建勋Collection |
| Posted: 2008-04-28 18:07:56 Post subject: |
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| 谢谢诸位的指点，问好。 |
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