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开博两周年记(修改)
荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2008-05-06 05:57:01    Post subject: 开博两周年记(修改) Reply with quote


当一只蜗牛,用文字作壳
藏掖着软
寻绿


《窗台上的金银花藤

你总在春天的第一声鸟鸣中醒来
抽长。一根,两根……
一年又一年,走出枯萎
新生


明知,盆土不能给予
朵朵芬芳
却不放弃,每一春

爬满窗棂的藤蔓
扮绿了等待
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赵福治
探花


Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 3456
Location: 中国北京
赵福治Collection
PostPosted: 2008-05-06 16:47:12    Post subject: Reply with quote

心态不错.
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hepingdao
Site Admin


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 8106

hepingdaoCollection
PostPosted: 2008-05-06 16:48:49    Post subject: Reply with quote

给你分析一下第一首吧

当一只蜗牛,用文字作壳
藏掖着软
顺带,握紧某些时光

前两句很好

但最后一句,却显得陈旧乏力,没法将诗意提升
如何提升呢,有几种办法:
1.加强法: 强化原有的意思,进一步深入,比如说:
一只蜗牛,把自我一层层包装
或者
一只蜗牛,把光泽一层层包装
...等

2.反其道而行之,来个出人意表, 比如说:
当一只蜗牛,用文字作壳
藏掖着软
泥,不轻易示人的软泥

个见,仅供参考
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-05-07 01:40:19    Post subject: Reply with quote

批的不错啊~
后面的一首蕴意不错~问好荷梦!
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荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2008-05-07 21:14:23    Post subject: Reply with quote

赵福治 wrote:
心态不错.

呵呵,时刻牢记着要摆正心态呢!
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荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2008-05-07 21:20:07    Post subject: Reply with quote

hepingdao wrote:
给你分析一下第一首吧
...

谢谢指教!
敲出来的时候只想着记录自己当时的心声,读了你的批后,才想到原来文字发出来之后就不属于我了。而我却要为它的提高承担责任。
接受你的意见把它改了,(主要是把1与2合了)。请再批!

当一只蜗牛,用文字作壳
藏掖着软
寻绿
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荷梦
进士出身


Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2008-05-07 21:24:00    Post subject: Reply with quote

半溪明月 wrote:
批的不错啊~
后面的一首蕴意不错~问好荷梦!

明月好!
我把前面的修改了一下,现在觉得它可以和后面的那个连为一体了。为便于看,我把原稿移下来,呵呵!

1

当一只蜗牛,用文字作壳
藏掖着软
握紧某些时光

2

需要的,其实
仅仅只是一片绿
养目,存梦
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wq0066
秀才


Joined: 01 Jun 2008
Posts: 126
Location: 中国重庆
wq0066Collection
PostPosted: 2008-06-13 16:45:10    Post subject: Reply with quote

嗯!心态平和...
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