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长诗:我不知我是谁(之10——14)
杯中冲浪
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Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 2891
Location: 中国
杯中冲浪Collection
PostPosted: 2008-03-15 05:07:07    Post subject: 长诗:我不知我是谁(之10——14) Reply with quote

长诗:我不知我是谁(之10——14)


10
母亲在夜晚不停地死来死去
我因此抛弃睡眠
仿着影幕上最悲惨的孤儿
一次次的
把母亲摇醒
黄昏的时候
我喊着:母亲、母亲
半夜的时候
我喊着:母亲、母亲
后来,我发现母亲依然完好
而我
死于三十年前的某个夜晚


11
那条剥了皮的瘦狗
活着时是我在人间的影子
灵魂高贵又自卑
好胚子未能正确发育
不会追母狗
我相信终有一天我会被人勒死
肉被人分食
皮在风中呜呜地哭


12
我更要学会另一项技术
学会在人类道德的厚土下打洞
几千年的厚土呵
我要掘一条适宜我生存的隧道
让我的肺呼吸
让我的思想繁殖
我决意做一匹灰鼠
穿人的外皮



13
我不知经历四季的小麦有什么思想
正如我不知经历夏秋的玉米想什么一样
他们毕竟还留下传宗的香火
那没有开花的蔬菜青栩栩的坐在盘子里
面对着人类微笑的牙齿
这烈士是不是也从容得
在青瓷盘的上空
生一种浩然正气



14
一块石头坐在地上
看你
它失语是因为它对你蔑视
这世界
没有谁比石头更高傲
没有谁比石头更有思想
人类都死绝以后
石头为我们哭泣
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半溪明月
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Joined: 30 Sep 2006
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PostPosted: 2008-03-15 05:44:50    Post subject: Reply with quote

这样的写作很有意义并深刻~
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莞君
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PostPosted: 2008-03-15 06:11:18    Post subject: Reply with quote

深情 朴实 真挚的语言 欣赏了 问好
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博弈
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PostPosted: 2008-03-15 07:29:30    Post subject: Reply with quote

以平淡文辞孕育强烈的诗思企图。

三十年前‘母亲’或‘我’发生了什么事情?
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nobody
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PostPosted: 2008-03-15 14:38:12    Post subject: Reply with quote

写得很触目惊心。
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杯中冲浪
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PostPosted: 2008-03-15 16:43:12    Post subject: Reply with quote

问好各位朋友,感谢溢美。
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上城
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PostPosted: 2008-03-15 22:39:43    Post subject: Re: 以平淡文辞孕育强烈的诗思企图。 ... Reply with quote

博弈 wrote:
以平淡文辞孕育强烈的诗思企图。
...


这种诗思用到长诗中,往往是艰难的。有几节颇类似
洛夫先生的《石室之死>>.如

我不知经历四季的小麦有什么思想
正如我不知经历夏秋的玉米想什么一样
他们毕竟还留下传宗的香火
那没有开花的蔬菜青栩栩的坐在盘子里
面对着人类微笑的牙齿
这烈士是不是也从容得
在青瓷盘的上空
生一种浩然正气

洛夫先生的意象更纷呈,因而也有滞涩的缺憾.如果减少那些修饰,
又是一种姿态.长诗,是十足的劳累.进入无人之境,方为上.还有,
"我不知道我是谁",这个追问也不是很好的.我在四年前,也想就这个
题目发挥,后改为<名之死>.无奈,还是放弃了.剩些段落,也可传上来.

个见>>>>>问好冲浪兄
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回到拉萨
秀才


Joined: 07 Feb 2008
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PostPosted: 2008-03-16 02:16:19    Post subject: Reply with quote

在你博客上学习过,提上继续欣赏。
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白水
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PostPosted: 2008-03-16 04:11:31    Post subject: Reply with quote

冲浪, 一直在关注你这首长诗(1-14), 严格说, 每一段拿出来都不错. 但以你的文笔和内涵, 这是应该的, 实在不想再叫一声好了事. 从整首诗歌来看, 压抑的成份显重了, 当然, 这也许是出于你对社会和人性深沉的思索. 但个人以为, 一首诗歌, 特别是长诗, 张弛有度, 抑扬互动, 对作者和读者都是必要的. 仅为个人阅读后的一点感觉吧. 不妥见谅.
希望这首诗歌成为你的又一个更高的起点.
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下一个偶像是野兽
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PostPosted: 2008-03-17 08:22:16    Post subject: Reply with quote

欣赏。好诗。
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PostPosted: 2008-03-19 04:16:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

提上来继续关注,问好冲浪老师。
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