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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

【那一片晶莹水雾】(外一首)

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-01-03 14:22:30 Post subject: 【那一片晶莹水雾】(外一首)

【那一片晶莹水雾】与你同归地平线外步入云海,细赏万里风光之前,我们一直追赶太阳追寻近乎绝美的光芒蓝色棋盘,布好每一颗闪亮星子而你,就是最璀璨的那颗比远更远的地方阳光照耀,大地回春亲爱,让我们从这里开始溶成一片晶莹水雾朱庇特之光托举灵魂海平面上,我们升腾,升腾...... 花开的声音，遥远芳香我守望的眼里晶莹的水雾,早已蓄满【平安夜：寂寞的风】这个夜晚,我们围炉而坐有一句没一句地聊天风寂寞醉着企图挤进微掩的门缝平安夜,我的灵魂不安三分之一渴望温暖三分之二仍在僵持用冷水浇旧伤疤我亲爱的忧郁王子今夜,我不是天使挽救不了失落的羔羊酒醉的舌头逐渐冷成一条蛇小雨在屋檐下滴答我们围炉而坐风仍寂寞醉着......

手套
童生

Joined: 23 Dec 2007
Posts: 8

手套Collection

Posted: 2008-01-03 15:00:56 Post subject:

最后一首比较流畅，只是结尾力量弱了下来。 _________________ 诗人非乞丐。

莞君
秀才

Joined: 20 Oct 2007
Posts: 561
Location: 中国陕西
莞君Collection

Posted: 2008-01-03 15:20:09 Post subject: 问好姐姐

喜欢的两个欣赏了 _________________ 莞君

子花
秀才

Joined: 08 Mar 2007
Posts: 722

子花Collection

Posted: 2008-01-03 18:32:27 Post subject:

一直都很喜欢这样的风格！！提上明月姐来~~

nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2008-01-03 19:17:43 Post subject:

凑合，哈哈。显然不是明月最好的 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-01-03 19:58:35 Post subject:

谢谢NY,子花,莞君,和手套,意见收下,继续努力~

山城子
榜眼

Joined: 23 May 2007
Posts: 4771
Location: 中国贵州
山城子Collection

Posted: 2008-01-03 20:11:13 Post subject:

不错！问好明月！ _________________ 诗是人生的雅伴儿。

nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2008-01-03 20:22:48 Post subject:

啊，刚看到，原来是接龙诗。应该说明一下，这样读者期望会降低些。 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

荷梦
进士出身

Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北，黄梅
荷梦Collection

Posted: 2008-01-03 20:45:07 Post subject:

手套 wrote:

最后一首比较流畅，只是结尾力量弱了下来。

我倒觉得结尾的重复更能突现内心的寂寥。 Embarassed

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-01-04 00:00:16 Post subject:

啊，刚看到，原来是接龙诗。应该说明一下，这样读者期望会降低些。 ----NY 接龙诗也可以写好的，只是我没写好~ 问好,山城子老师! 我倒觉得结尾的重复更能突现内心的寂寥。 ---荷梦结尾被我浪费了,也许不是最好的结尾

赵福治
探花

Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 3456
Location: 中国北京
赵福治Collection

Posted: 2008-01-05 18:09:10 Post subject:

花开的声音，遥远芳香我守望的眼里晶莹的水雾,早已蓄满...............典雅.

半溪明月
榜眼

Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-01-05 20:04:56 Post subject:

赵福治 wrote:

花开的声音，遥远芳香
我守望的眼里
晶莹的水雾,早已蓄满...............典雅.

感谢福治兄弟批阅～

杨海军
进士出身

Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2008-01-05 22:07:52 Post subject:

花开的声音，遥远芳香我守望的眼里晶莹的水雾,早已蓄满明月妹妹的诗非常　好！！！ _________________ 走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮 ——拙作《离开村庄》 http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

悠子
举人

Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
Location: US
悠子Collection

Posted: 2008-01-06 03:51:32 Post subject:

喜欢，很纯情很典雅

溪语
秀才

Joined: 16 Mar 2007
Posts: 509
Location: 中国恩施
溪语Collection

Posted: 2008-01-06 20:33:09 Post subject:

款款而来！ _________________ 溪语的博客:家住鄂西

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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