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詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-21 08:21:21    Post subject: Reply with quote
悠子 wrote:
你让我敲800字， 我就不写诗了。。。本来是来这里受指导的， 你倒打一耙， 可8要坏了社风~
...


不认为这里有谁可以指导你，而我是极力的误导每一个人，或每一首作品！
努力要让每个人对自己的作品失去信心，对自己的作品产生质疑！哇哈哈～

又及。这里目前也没有社风，只期待未来有。

又又及。你举的例子不错，就只是不错！
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悠子
举人


Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
Location: US
悠子Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-21 09:41:30    Post subject: Reply with quote
等你举例子， 要很不错的
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啥么
秀才


Joined: 10 Jan 2008
Posts: 169

啥么Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-21 23:08:22    Post subject: Reply with quote
悠子 wrote:
啥么 wrote:
偶可以开十担弓，拉拉时间弹簧看~

干嘛花那么多力气？Smile


不帮忙还说风凉话
咿？腊月是哪本书里的人？
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这有点麻烦
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詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-23 19:40:27    Post subject: Reply with quote
啥么 wrote:
悠子 wrote:
啥么 wrote:
偶可以开十担弓，拉拉时间弹簧看~

干嘛花那么多力气？Smile


不帮忙还说风凉话
...


腊月！这号人物在很多名著里出现过，可以说是贯穿整个中国文学史的重要
人物。从商周以降，国语、大学、史记等等，哪怕是闲书如水浒、西游、红
楼、聊斋都反覆出现过。看来是个好ＩＤ。
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悠子
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Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
Location: US
悠子Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-19 06:27:56    Post subject: Reply with quote
重新写结尾，不知可好些？
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詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-19 09:25:38    Post subject: Reply with quote
我们来看看用字。


细碎的声音微起着波澜
恋的情结，倦与不倦的摇摆
月光清冷地走过初醒的窗棂
桃花的梦，渐渐透明起来


[注] 修订前 (最后一段)
细碎的声音透着等待
恋的情结，倦与不倦的摇摆
漂一缕光潜入夜的最深处
久违的颤动，正悄悄伸展

有些用字如虚字、赘字，或许为了配合阅读的音律、韵律有其使用的必要性。当这些必要性不存在时，或是层层消去时，就需要考虑替换，或是删去的选择。
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拈花微笑
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Joined: 21 Jan 2008
Posts: 311

拈花微笑Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-19 19:55:28    Post subject: Reply with quote
朦胧的立春

也想拉拉时间的弹簧 Smile
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詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-20 06:23:13    Post subject: Reply with quote
悠子！你自己删去多少贴子？怎一些回覆都不见了？
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悠子
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Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
Location: US
悠子Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-20 07:01:55    Post subject: Reply with quote
我没有啊。我也奇怪，修改完了以后，好像3页的回贴就变成了2页。
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爱爱
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Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 167

爱爱Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-20 07:11:45    Post subject: Reply with quote
亲悠子
好喜欢改过的这句~~

桃花的梦，渐渐透明
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