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月明他乡1[2]  Next
白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2006-10-05 08:26:12    Post subject: 月明他乡 Reply with quote

月光泼下来, 象水
那是团圆的日子近了
你, 在它乡
何日摇橹归来?
我侧耳
银河的桨声......

杨柳岸的船坞或许旧了
可那两杯温酒, 一盏渔火
依然临窗

是否记得那晚?
我从杯中捞起一颗月亮
默默地
塞进你的行囊
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郑士渊
童生


Joined: 14 Jun 2006
Posts: 49

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PostPosted: 2006-10-05 23:03:49    Post subject: 思念有形!期待有理! Reply with quote

学习!
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赵福治
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Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 3456
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PostPosted: 2006-10-06 00:36:22    Post subject: Reply with quote

是否记得那晚?
我从杯中捞起一颗月亮
默默地
塞进你的行囊......不错的结尾,提给大家读.
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白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
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PostPosted: 2006-10-06 06:11:25    Post subject: Re: 思念有形!期待有理! Reply with quote

[quote="郑士渊"]学习![/quote]
谢谢鼓励
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白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2006-10-06 06:11:50    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote="赵福治"]是否记得那晚?
我从杯中捞起一颗月亮
默默地
塞进你的行囊......不错的结尾,提给大家读.[/quote]
谢谢版主
请问, QUOTE怎么没外框呢?
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changan
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Joined: 06 May 2007
Posts: 39

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PostPosted: 2007-05-11 19:50:45    Post subject: Reply with quote

想像和用典的表现手法运用得很娴熟.
最后一节最有味,"捞"与"塞"用得很妙,想像中点出形象,欣赏!
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在生活中寻找诗歌,在诗歌中寻找生活。创作生活的诗歌,创造诗样的生活。
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韩少君
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Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-11 21:02:02    Post subject: Reply with quote

好诗:深情、温暖、迷离、美丽。

我从杯中捞起一颗月亮
默默地
塞进你的行囊丽。好句子来源与好感受。把:是否记得那晚? 去掉。坚决点,错不了。个见。
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靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345
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下一个偶像是野兽
秀才


Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 504
Location: 西安
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PostPosted: 2007-05-12 19:36:41    Post subject: Reply with quote

清淡的美,动情。

问好。
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半溪明月
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Joined: 30 Sep 2006
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PostPosted: 2007-05-13 02:23:53    Post subject: Reply with quote

清婉动人~问好月光妹妹! Very Happy
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nobody
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Joined: 31 Dec 2006
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PostPosted: 2007-05-13 13:37:37    Post subject: Reply with quote

不错呀,很有味道。另外,也不长。网络诗歌就应该这样。
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无仑
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Joined: 30 Jan 2007
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PostPosted: 2007-05-14 09:34:05    Post subject: Reply with quote

抒情的,当下有情人已经不多了,欣赏!
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与文字同生,在诗歌中流浪......
http://blog.sina.com.cn/wulun
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杨海军
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Joined: 01 Mar 2007
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PostPosted: 2007-05-14 15:06:03    Post subject: Reply with quote

好诗!!!遥望故乡,月光照耀家门!!
问好! Smile
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走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮
——拙作《离开村庄》
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白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
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白水Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-21 06:24:28    Post subject: Reply with quote

韩少君 wrote:
好诗:深情、温暖、迷离、美丽。

我从杯中捞起一颗月亮
默默地
塞进你的行囊丽。好句子来源与好感受。把:是否记得那晚? 去掉。坚决点,错不了。个见。


又是仲秋, 翻出去年旧作, 才发现少君的建议.

月光泼下来, 象水
那是团圆的日子近了
你, 在它乡
何日摇橹归来?
我侧耳
银河的桨声......

杨柳岸的船坞或许旧了
可那两杯温酒, 一盏渔火
依然临窗

是否记得那晚?
我从杯中捞起一颗月亮
默默地
塞进你的行囊

按你的建议, 意思就变了. 前首是一人独思, 后者是依依别行. 但尾段和第一段就矛盾了. 你看呢?
月光泼下来, 象水
那是团圆的日子近了
你, 在它乡
何日摇橹归来?
我侧耳
银河的桨声......

杨柳岸的船坞或许旧了
可那两杯温酒, 一盏渔火
依然临窗

我从杯中捞起一颗月亮
默默地
塞进你的行囊
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上城
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Joined: 15 Mar 2007
Posts: 2024
Location: 江夏黄鹤楼
上城Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-21 06:30:30    Post subject: Reply with quote

沉醉
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每个诗人都很重要
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William Zhou周道模
探花


Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-21 14:44:20    Post subject: Reply with quote

因是“月明它乡”,不删为好。
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荷梦
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Joined: 19 Dec 2006
Posts: 2826
Location: 湖北,黄梅
荷梦Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-22 04:56:28    Post subject: Reply with quote

是否记得那晚?
我从杯中捞起一颗月亮
默默地
塞进你的行囊
——的确是好诗!
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-24 20:56:45    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢谢各位朋友真诚的鼓励和建议. 问好大家中秋愉快.

说一次实话吧, 这首诗歌是去年仲秋写来骗老公的, 那时他回国忙业务. 唉, 可惜, 发到他E-MAIL里都装看不见. 今晚拉我去湖边赏月, 提起此事, 人家非但装糊涂不说, 还来了句, 诗人怎么都象葡萄似的, 气得我哈哈大笑. 想起05年一些诗歌爱好者同游蜜月湖, 有人在船上高声朗诵, 我们说, 别把船狂翻了, 一位酸秀才说:" 不...怕, 文人酸的鱼都不吃."惨, 诗人的形象得想办法加蜜了 Very Happy Very Happy
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jemmy
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Joined: 06 Jun 2007
Posts: 414
Location: china
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PostPosted: 2007-09-25 00:09:23    Post subject: Reply with quote

我们这正下雨,没有月亮,拒绝说话
不过,白水的"老公"终于出来了,白水呀,你害了多少人呀
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kokho
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Joined: 30 Nov 2006
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PostPosted: 2007-09-25 01:13:41    Post subject: Reply with quote

这首美丽 。。。


拜读 问好 :)

[朋友 除了发贴,多给诗友们回帖哟。。]


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乒乓、摄影、诗歌
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白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-25 05:32:02    Post subject: Reply with quote

jemmy wrote:
我们这正下雨,没有月亮,拒绝说话
不过,白水的"老公"终于出来了,白水呀,你害了多少人呀


是吗? 抽空我写个小DD送你. 问好中秋 Very Happy
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