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诉衷情-圣诞夜(双调四十五字,桃花水)1[2]  Next
白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2010-12-27 09:37:21    Post subject: 诉衷情-圣诞夜(双调四十五字,桃花水) Reply with quote

诉衷情-圣诞夜(双调四十五字,桃花水)

北风飘雪又寒冬,故里愈朦胧,撩拨炭火余热,茶半盏,向长空。
诗淡淡,墨浓浓,意重重。几分嗔怨,数曲欢歌,尽在杯中。


⊙○⊙●●○△,⊙●●○△
⊙○⊙●○●,⊙●●、●○△

○●●,●○△,●○△
●○○●,●●○○,⊙●○△

○用平声字 ●用仄声字
⊙应平可仄 ◎应仄可平
△用平声韵 ▲用仄声韵
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白云闲人
探花


Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection
PostPosted: 2010-12-27 10:33:56    Post subject: Reply with quote

白水好一曲《诉衷情》!浓浓的香墨,淡淡的情怀。诗风婉雅,手法娴熟。利用茶盏杯中,散发出既有几分的嗔怨,又含数缕之欢歌,似漫天风雪的扑朔朦胧!景幽味深長!
白水有一美中不足:该詞押的是〝风、胧、浓、衷、中〞的東冬韵,而〝朋〞字是庚青蒸韵,不同韵部。可再斟酌!
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诗中岁月,
笛里关山.
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黄洋界
探花


Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
黄洋界Collection
PostPosted: 2010-12-27 11:32:36    Post subject: Reply with quote

圣诞夜,“詩淡淡,墨浓浓,诉情衷”,白水情怀,“尽在杯中”。
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喜金石书画,友竹菊梅兰
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qinghongh
榜眼


Joined: 14 Oct 2007
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PostPosted: 2010-12-27 14:07:38    Post subject: Reply with quote

诗淡墨浓,几番情愫在杯中。
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白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2010-12-27 14:51:47    Post subject: Reply with quote

白云闲人 wrote:
白水好一曲《诉衷情》!浓浓的香墨,淡淡的情怀。诗风婉雅,手法娴熟。利用茶盏杯中,散发出既有几分的嗔怨,又含数缕之欢歌,似漫天风雪的扑朔朦胧!景幽味深長!
...


谢谢老师,我写诗歌总是信马由缰,提笔就来,写完不看。你一提醒才发现有误, 索性多调了几个字 Razz
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2010-12-27 14:54:47    Post subject: Reply with quote

黄洋界 wrote:
圣诞夜,“詩淡淡,墨浓浓,诉情衷”,白水情怀,“尽在杯中”。


问好老师,昨天我还提醒秋叶, 同诗不宜同音字,自己却犯忌,刚才改了改。谢谢。 Embarassed
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2010-12-27 14:57:48    Post subject: Reply with quote

qinghongh wrote:
诗淡墨浓,几番情愫在杯中。


问好qinghongh, 我把词牌贴出来。 试图把你们从唐诗里面钓出来 Very Happy
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莹雪
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Joined: 28 Sep 2006
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PostPosted: 2010-12-27 17:28:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

问好白水兄!
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胡恢宗
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Joined: 15 Mar 2008
Posts: 564

胡恢宗Collection
PostPosted: 2010-12-27 18:29:56    Post subject: Reply with quote

拜读佳作,如同收到了一份厚重的新年礼。祝您新年快乐。
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水曲云烟绕 林深鸟竞飞
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笑聊
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Joined: 05 Jan 2010
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PostPosted: 2010-12-28 04:45:05    Post subject: Reply with quote

诵读白水大作,深情厚意跃然纸上。“数曲欢歌,尽在杯中。”豪情尽显!

学习并问好!
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白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
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PostPosted: 2010-12-28 15:41:23    Post subject: Reply with quote

莹雪 wrote:
问好白水兄!


MM新年好 Very Happy
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2010-12-28 15:42:34    Post subject: Reply with quote

胡恢宗 wrote:
拜读佳作,如同收到了一份厚重的新年礼。祝您新年快乐。


谢谢鼓励,问好新年。
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白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
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Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2010-12-28 15:45:41    Post subject: Reply with quote

笑聊 wrote:
诵读白水大作,深情厚意跃然纸上。“数曲欢歌,尽在杯中。”豪情尽显!
...


笑聊好,应向你们学习才是。
不知你身体好些没?多保重。
新年快乐。
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莹雪
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Joined: 28 Sep 2006
Posts: 2520
Location: 中国-辽宁·三燕故都
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PostPosted: 2010-12-28 15:58:00    Post subject: Reply with quote

白水 Moonlight wrote:
莹雪 wrote:
问好白水兄!


MM新年好 Very Happy
GG新年好! Razz
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王君明
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Joined: 03 Apr 2007
Posts: 250
Location: 甘肃天水
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PostPosted: 2010-12-29 03:22:03    Post subject: Reply with quote

诗淡淡,墨浓浓,意重重。几分嗔怨,数曲欢歌,尽在杯中。

下片更好,久违,问候!
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虚拟网络 真实生活
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昕阳一片
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Joined: 27 Mar 2010
Posts: 190

昕阳一片Collection
PostPosted: 2010-12-29 21:41:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

赏学佳作。问好!
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笑聊
探花


Joined: 05 Jan 2010
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PostPosted: 2010-12-29 23:22:38    Post subject: Reply with quote

白水 Moonlight wrote:
笑聊 wrote:
诵读白水大作,深情厚意跃然纸上。“数曲欢歌,尽在杯中。”豪情尽显!
...


笑聊好,应向你们学习才是。
...


问好白水!回白水话:身体在康复中。谢谢白水,谢谢北美枫的师友们关怀!
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连南河
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Joined: 30 Aug 2008
Posts: 342
Location: Toronto
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PostPosted: 2010-12-31 04:31:15    Post subject: Reply with quote

"诗淡淡,墨浓浓,意重重。" 叠字巧妙!

"数曲欢歌,尽在杯中。"

问好白水!新年快乐!
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一路雨丝一路风
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
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PostPosted: 2010-12-31 12:16:41    Post subject: Reply with quote

问好莹雪,王君明,昕阳一片,笑聊,连南河, 谢谢你们的鼓励,新年快乐 Very Happy
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冰清
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Joined: 29 Mar 2007
Posts: 1921

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PostPosted: 2010-12-31 15:50:36    Post subject: Reply with quote

诗淡淡,墨浓浓,意重重。几分嗔怨,数曲欢歌,尽在杯中。

简单几笔就勾勒出了人们鲜活的情感。
何谓人生?五味杂陈也。

高,实在是高! Laughing

问好新年!
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