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雾步三手
东雪西雨
童生


Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Posts: 51
Location: 江苏张家港
东雪西雨Collection
PostPosted: 2007-02-11 20:22:59    Post subject: 雾步三手 Reply with quote

(一)

晨雾,像棉花一样堵住阳光的出口
让自己更接近于虚构
你深沉的脸沉迷于回想
夜的胸膛里放荡不羁的风
被大山冰冷的手掌阻挡
悲伤地呜咽,在深秋的瓶子里

此刻,道路的沉重就是我的沉重
山谷的回响就是我的回响
我的声音匍匐着前进
千万次的呼喊变成永久的静默

告诉我,穿透晨雾的屋顶有多高
穿越迷茫的目标有多远
我爱过,并且真心爱过

那你,能不能解开捆绑的手脚
土地和庄稼渐渐清晰
一种模糊踩进泥土
一种情感伸向天空

(二)

为小草拭去满脸泪水
如同握着一支摇晃的笔,书写土地的序言
而毕剥的火焰被潮湿禁锢
醉汉一样的烟弯曲着升腾
我的爱,多么炽热

放开我,冲破浓黑的园囿
随灵魂而升
高过屋脊便能握住风的手
激越的呐喊刺破云层
跨过障碍的智力,高呼成熟

我知道被你裹着的灵感会缓慢消失
但我会用一生的忏悔接纳你
纵然你给小草留下多么凄凉的回忆
我渐渐燃烧的爱
向你分发温暖

(三)

我的期待在你体内不断消散
一个漫长的更替压进发令的枪膛
多少能量瞬间迸发
成为我一生中最渴望的悬念

家园的脸色渐渐红润,离我那么近
涅槃的记忆里还有石头,熟悉的眼睛
和熟悉的怀抱
告诉我告别迷蒙
让世界在火焰的边缘分开

我就要重生
当太阳走回来念起咒语
天空分娩出一朵白云
我们的爱挂满草叶

跟随我,否则就会迷路
与我一同开启紧随的雾灯
我们同行
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和平岛
举人


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection
PostPosted: 2007-02-11 20:39:22    Post subject: Reply with quote

醉汉一样的烟弯曲着升腾
我的爱,多么炽热

绝佳的抒情

写好了,抒情更能感染人

这诗歌里,没有故作姿态,却情绪饱满

欢迎东雪西雨
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东雪西雨
童生


Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Posts: 51
Location: 江苏张家港
东雪西雨Collection
PostPosted: 2007-02-11 21:07:46    Post subject: Reply with quote

和平岛 wrote:
醉汉一样的烟弯曲着升腾
我的爱,多么炽热

绝佳的抒情

写好了,抒情更能感染人

这诗歌里,没有故作姿态,却情绪饱满

欢迎东雪西雨


感谢和平斑批注.多批评!
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和平岛
举人


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection
PostPosted: 2007-02-11 21:24:27    Post subject: Reply with quote

欢迎东雪西雨多来交流
Very Happy
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2007-02-11 21:52:20    Post subject: Reply with quote

冷静而理智的抒情, 往往比炙热的, 奔放的更感人
建议加精
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杯中冲浪
进士出身


Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 2891
Location: 中国
杯中冲浪Collection
PostPosted: 2007-02-12 00:38:30    Post subject: Reply with quote

外形强悍,内力不足。
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http://blog.sina.com.cn/shoutao006
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沙漠
秀才


Joined: 26 Jan 2007
Posts: 977
Location: 中国温州
沙漠Collection
PostPosted: 2007-02-12 01:23:29    Post subject: Reply with quote

东雪好好思考一下杯中冲浪的意见。
一些意象和词语可以低一些。比如号啕大哭往往没有无声抽泣那样打动人。
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