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[原创新诗] 我要缝好初春的伤
William Zhou周道模
探花


Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection
PostPosted: 2008-09-12 16:11:05    Post subject: [原创新诗] 我要缝好初春的伤 Reply with quote

我要缝好初春的伤


初春的夜晚我和道学正在喝小酒

老天不通知就把雪花的碎片倒下来

夜空抖着不明不白的伤痕直叫痛

城市晃着又红又肿的街灯直喊冷

我们干一杯液体的火心情便激动

我的思绪冷不防闯入这世界的迷茫

我看见雪路从天边奔来到处寻找人

我听见草根在脚印的微温中嘀咕

我们再干一杯液体的阳光身心渐透亮

我神魂沉郁地抚慰这春夜的创伤

把那瓷片的锋芒通通划在我的身上

把那天地的伤痛通通垒在我的心上

我有火我有光大地要忍住绝对冻不死

我有爱我有恨偷袭春天者迟早要消亡

我用目光串起雪花补好天大一个碗

我用情思缝补春夜医好时代一个伤

等人们明朝醒来赏雪赞美大自然

今夜风搅雪我发酒疯点燃火与光

2006-04-30下午3:25草
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-09-12 22:52:13    Post subject: Reply with quote

我有火我有光大地要忍住绝对冻不死

我有爱我有恨偷袭春天者迟早要消亡

我用目光串起雪花补好天大一个碗

我用情思缝补春夜医好时代一个伤

等人们明朝醒来赏雪赞美大自然

流畅铿锵~中秋快乐!
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William Zhou周道模
探花


Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection
PostPosted: 2008-09-13 03:50:40    Post subject: Reply with quote

过去旧诗,挂出求批;朋友鼓励,明月快乐!
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
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PostPosted: 2008-09-14 18:14:47    Post subject: Reply with quote

道模, 悄悄得罪你一下, 这首诗歌诗意稍显淡了点. 己见, 不妥见谅 Razz
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William Zhou周道模
探花


Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection
PostPosted: 2008-09-15 13:24:19    Post subject: Reply with quote

感谢白水君直言!

诗挂出来本来就是求批的,尤其是我,尤其是我的英语诗,得到高手的指教是幸福。

这首诗是写初春雪夜喝酒时的狂放感觉,就是现在清醒时的我读起来都觉得有点“革命者”的味

道。
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秀水
秀才


Joined: 31 May 2008
Posts: 221
Location: 山东聊城
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PostPosted: 2008-09-17 15:36:46    Post subject: Reply with quote

行云流水.颀赏
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秀水:省青协会员.在《星星诗刊》《绿风》《诗选刊》《常青藤诗刊》等发表诗歌散文二百余篇。兼写童话。邮箱xshx100@163.com
秀水博客http://blog.sina.com.cn/feizoudeshui
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William Zhou周道模
探花


Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
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PostPosted: 2008-09-21 00:02:13    Post subject: Reply with quote

感谢秀水的欣赏和鼓励!
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杯中冲浪
进士出身


Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 2891
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PostPosted: 2008-09-22 03:50:17    Post subject: Reply with quote

意象很美,只是句子太整齐了。
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William Zhou周道模
探花


Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection
PostPosted: 2008-09-23 04:19:48    Post subject: Reply with quote

感谢杯中冲浪的欣赏和鼓励!

我此诗的语言有意远离流行诗语:叙述,逗号,冷抒情等。
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