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五律多伦多抒怀：枫园独酌

连南河
秀才

Joined: 30 Aug 2008
Posts: 342
Location: Toronto
连南河Collection

Posted: 2008-08-30 10:53:39 Post subject: 五律多伦多抒怀：枫园独酌

五律多伦多抒怀：枫园独酌想一想大陆的同事们新的学年又开始…… 心闲聊自饮，酒兴助诗思。酷夏初凉透，清秋已入时。书传熟叶早，枫语路人迟。又到长周末，宽衣觉露滋。（待改，欢迎批评） NOTE：传闻熟叶早：传说中一种八月飘红的枫叶种质资源 8:30-9:00pm,Aug 29 2008 Toronto _________________ 一路雨丝一路风

黄洋界
探花

Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
黄洋界Collection

Posted: 2008-08-31 05:48:35 Post subject:

即兴之作,第三联似可再推敲一下,让对仗更工稳些. _________________ ++++++++++++++ 喜金石书画，友竹菊梅兰

连南河
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Joined: 30 Aug 2008
Posts: 342
Location: Toronto
连南河Collection

Posted: 2008-09-01 15:16:06 Post subject:

谢谢黄兄 "传闻"改"书传"与"枫语"相对 _________________ 一路雨丝一路风

野航
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Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 547
Location: toronto
野航Collection

Posted: 2008-09-03 14:55:20 Post subject:

我觉得这位兄弟句法很高明，骨格闲逸。具体词句确有可推敲之处。 _________________ 回归自然回归心灵回归传统

连南河
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Joined: 30 Aug 2008
Posts: 342
Location: Toronto
连南河Collection

Posted: 2008-09-14 10:41:58 Post subject:

旨在交流与学习，问好野航！最后一联中“值”改为“到”以合平仄 “宽衣觉露滋”，“觉”初为“酌”后改“着”，最后选择“觉”字，与张九龄《望月怀远》中“披衣觉露滋”挨得太近，还需斟酌。 _________________ 一路雨丝一路风

野航
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Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 547
Location: toronto
野航Collection

Posted: 2008-09-15 15:09:47 Post subject:

头两句最为自然有致。 _________________ 回归自然回归心灵回归传统

bannong
童生

Joined: 16 Jul 2007
Posts: 44

bannongCollection

Posted: 2008-09-15 16:22:26 Post subject:

枫语路人迟。欣赏！

连南河
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Joined: 30 Aug 2008
Posts: 342
Location: Toronto
连南河Collection

Posted: 2008-09-21 14:35:27 Post subject:

野航写到： “头两句最为自然有致。” 这首诗是在一碗葡萄酒洗脑后冲出来的，走到《北美文学网—北美枫》还有些醉意！ _________________ 一路雨丝一路风

连南河
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Joined: 30 Aug 2008
Posts: 342
Location: Toronto
连南河Collection

Posted: 2008-09-21 14:38:37 Post subject:

bannong 写到： “枫语路人迟。欣赏！” 枫语路人迟！问好bannong _________________ 一路雨丝一路风

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