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Maple Review Home -> 落尘诗社

《风缓缓漫开》

合心
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Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 122
Location: 山西太原
合心Collection

Posted: 2008-03-24 15:05:01 Post subject: 《风缓缓漫开》

《风缓缓漫开》是春天让我看到阳光还是阳光让我吻到春天不想醒来，不要醒来让午后的风在你的怀里漫开该如何面对一朵娇嫩的花唇早已锈迹斑斑吐不出一句光滑就让我把她种在骨里用纯净的髓去滋养三月，吹痛了发梢颤栗的水顺势而下你却让睡去的风翻起了明日的浪花 _________________ 美是岁月沉淀的金

詩盜喜裸評
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Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-03-24 16:22:08 Post subject:

猜这背影，是个女子。 _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-03-25 08:38:44 Post subject:

是春天让我看到阳光还是阳光让我吻到春天不想醒来，不要醒来让午后的风在你的怀里漫开检验：是春天让我看到阳光还是阳光让我吻到春天是春天让我看到阳光是阳光让我吻到春天检验：让午后的风在你的怀里漫开让午后的风在你的怀里漫开让午后的风，在你的怀里漫开午后，风在你的怀里漫开午后的风，在你的怀里漫开午后的风，在怀里漫开 _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

Lake
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Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286

LakeCollection

Posted: 2008-03-25 09:29:09 Post subject: gone

. _________________ the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

啥么
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Joined: 10 Jan 2008
Posts: 169

啥么Collection

Posted: 2008-03-25 10:48:00 Post subject:

风漫开，没有风向 _________________ 这有点麻烦

是有缘
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Joined: 08 Feb 2008
Posts: 741

是有缘Collection

Posted: 2008-03-25 14:35:16 Post subject:

有浪漫、有梦幻。

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-03-25 15:38:30 Post subject: （在）也舍去的话。

（在）也舍去的话，不符合原作的风格，倒是可以用其他字取代。可是这样一来，选项就太多了。一定要舍弃又不想更动太多的话，那就要调动这个句子到其他的地方。我个人认为，把它调动到前线当炮灰最适当！ _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

Lake
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Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286

LakeCollection

Posted: 2008-03-25 19:16:34 Post subject: gone

。 _________________ the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-03-25 19:26:06 Post subject: 讨论要有范围。

Lake wrote:

喜欢最后一项是因为去掉了“你”。

想试试删去介词会有什么效果。啥么也说了风漫开，没有风向。

这首作品原本就不是走这样子的风格（俺自认为。这应该不用赘言）做一些变更或者删去几个字，应该要维持原有的风格。这就是范围，否则只会陷入无谓之争。

所以在这样的范围底下，我们只可以评断，我或其他人所做的更动，是否仍维持原作风格。
_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

Lake
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Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286

LakeCollection

Posted: 2008-03-25 19:44:30 Post subject:

对不起，走错路线了。我的两小点看法根本没考虑原作的风格，也没注意到有什么框框，只是在你的改动上产生的一点想法。我去把超出范围的东东消灭了。 _________________ the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-03-25 19:50:12 Post subject: 辣妹又错了？

Lake wrote:

对不起，走错路线了。我的两小点看法根本没考虑原作的风格，也没注意到有什么框框，只是在你的改动上产生的一点想法。我去把超出范围的东东消灭了。

依你所言，这可以是你圈定的范围。有何不可？只是你若能依着这首作品，实际去尝试出另一种作品风格出来！这样于你、于人，都是莫大助益。又何乐不为？
_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-03-25 19:53:37 Post subject: 真砍了！辣妹太敏感了吧？

抓回来！！！！！ _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

红袖添乱
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Joined: 09 Jan 2008
Posts: 778

红袖添乱Collection

Posted: 2008-03-25 21:01:01 Post subject:

！！！！！美妙！ _________________ 梦的一端是我脉脉的凝视，而另一端是你清澈的眼睛。

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-03-26 05:04:19 Post subject:

引起 Lake 心里不愉快，这里向 Lake 正式道歉！希望不至于造成误会，这里尊重自由言论。 _________________ 可情可理，去捧就真

Lake
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Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286

LakeCollection

Posted: 2008-03-27 17:25:40 Post subject: by google

where is where? - google translation _________________ the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

詩盜喜裸評
进士出身

Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection

Posted: 2008-03-27 18:54:19 Post subject: 没啦！google 也砍啦～

Lake wrote:

where is where? - google translation Laughing

只找到合心的博客！以后你的发言要用强力胶黏住。
_________________
可情可理，去捧就真

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