试译ELIZABETH BACHINSKY-MORNING STAR 请各位朋友切磋

[白水]

MORNING STAR

BY ELIZABETH BACHINSKY

When every thing is still
and the words we have
have changed before they’re wrought, I offer:

the way thought thins before it finds its form.

From this, take this: that dreams have substance,
mutate moment as sunlight slips her noose
from noon to night so that, even now,

across this page, the light has changed
and so changes everything.

晨星

诗/ ELIZABETH BACHINSKY

译/白水

所有的事都静了
我们的话语
未及修饰已经变幻, 我祈愿:

淡泊思维的意念而无需感知它的形体

由此去悟: 梦想的涵
瞬息万变如同阳光滑动她的套索
从下午到夜晚, 直到此刻

翻过这一页, 光在变
从而改变着一切

[Lake]

我还要多读几遍，吃透它的意思。

Good effort, 白水.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[白水]

THANKS, LAKE

[小枪]

我前天也翻译了一个版本，但是在理解上，同兄有相当的差异，不知是否我的理解有误。
也贴上来吧，给各位老师看看。

晨星
伊丽莎白•巴琴斯基（诗）/ 小枪（译）

当一切静止
我们的言语
在炼成之前改变，我思量：

思想在发现其形式之前如何褪色

由此，记住：梦想亦有实质，
变异时刻如同日光抛出她的套索
从中午到晚上，甚至现在，

越过这张纸，光业已改变
同样，一切都在变化。

Elizabeth Bachinsky was born in Regina, Saskatchewan, and grew up in northern BC, the Yukon and BC’s Fraser Valley. Her published collections of poetry include Curio: Grotesques and Satires from the Electronic Age and Home of Sudden Service. Her work has also been widely anthologized and she received an honourable mention for the Bronwen Wallace Award for Poetry in 2004. She is the poetry editor for Event magazine and has taught creative writing at Vancouver Film School.
_________________
http://www.fyrclub.com
翻译人俱乐部论坛欢迎您。

[白水]

小枪, 谢谢你, 我会结合你理解的意境再想想

[白水]

改了点, 请朋友们再看看

[和平岛]

所有的物都静止
我们的话
未及修饰已变幻, 这么说吧:

思维于成形前已转淡泊

由此悟得: 梦的涵
瞬息万变犹如阳光滑过她的套索
从下午到夜晚, 即便此刻

翻过此页, 光在变
一切都在变
_________________
写诗是为了写更好的诗

[白水]

[hepingdao]

OFFER:提供,建议,提议,....断言,
_________________
为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

[小枪]

佩服佩服。
_________________
http://www.fyrclub.com
翻译人俱乐部论坛欢迎您。

[hepingdao]

改成：
未及修饰已变幻, 这么说吧:

多了几分自然


谢谢小枪，我们一起努力，把翻译的部分做好


_________________
为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

[唐伯虎]

[shi di fu]

I forgot to mention that Elisabeth Bachinsky's book Home of Sudden Service was nominated for the 2006 Governor General's award. Congratulations Elizabeth.

[hepingdao]

Congratulations Elisabeth for the nomination

_________________
为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

[白水]

Congratulations Elizabeth.

This is my pleasure to translante her poem.

[白水]

MORNING STAR

BY ELIZABETH BACHINSKY

When every thing is still
and the words we have
have changed before they’re wrought, I offer:

the way thought thins before it finds its form.

From this, take this: that dreams have substance,
mutate moment as sunlight slips her noose
from noon to night so that, even now,

across this page, the light has changed
and so changes everything.

晨星

诗/ ELIZABETH BACHINSKY 译/白水

当万籟俱寂
我们的话
未及修饰已变幻, 我幡然:

思维于成形前淡泊

由此悟得: 梦的涵
瞬息万变犹如阳光滑过她的套索
从下午到夜晚, 即便此刻

翻过此页, 光在变
物也在变

[hepingdao]

白水 is working hard on this poem
excellent job

_________________
为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

[白水]

[kino]

白水兄可否写个点评？

[白水]