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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

搁笔好久，近期三个！

古井
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Joined: 01 Jun 2007
Posts: 190

古井Collection

Posted: 2008-03-12 19:06:24 Post subject: 搁笔好久，近期三个！

★秘密母亲焦急地唤着猫的名字雾霭里背影匆匆，恍然转身告诉我去吃饭猫藏在屋顶看着渐远的母亲我看着猫，一阵窃喜尔后沉默泪如雨下其间，西北风反复光顾着一片落叶谁说出了童年的秘密 ★村庄即景村庄，你生长着我的忧伤当雪一点点盖住瓦楞你抱出生活所有的白晾晒，如拆开包扎的手指我悄悄拿出豢养的眼睛从心脏最红的血液里、乌鸦身上放置在村头的白杨树梢上若无其事地侦探高处出的秘密拉着车匆匆赶来的女人雪落满头纱身后的脚印被紧跟的三只羊踩碎 ★致你你用玉兰花的温柔抽打我的肉体轻如薄翼的梦你流水般的手指只取走一半月牙星痕点点

半溪明月
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Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection

Posted: 2008-03-12 21:39:57 Post subject:

★村庄即景村庄，你生长着我的忧伤当雪一点点盖住瓦楞你抱出生活所有的白晾晒，如拆开包扎的手指我悄悄拿出豢养的眼睛从心脏最红的血液里、乌鸦身上放置在村头的白杨树梢上若无其事地侦探高处出的秘密拉着车匆匆赶来的女人雪落满头纱身后的脚印被紧跟的三只羊踩碎很不错~

杯中冲浪
进士出身

Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 2891
Location: 中国
杯中冲浪Collection

Posted: 2008-03-13 05:55:30 Post subject:

好久不见了。 _________________ 杯中冲浪.披履而行 http://blog.sina.com.cn/shoutao006

杨海军
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Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection

Posted: 2008-03-13 14:59:23 Post subject:

你用玉兰花的温柔抽打我的肉体轻如薄翼的梦你流水般的手指只取走一半月牙不错.但最后句能否删掉呢?个人之见!!! _________________ 走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮 ——拙作《离开村庄》 http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751

遛达的七七
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Joined: 07 Jun 2006
Posts: 329

遛达的七七Collection

Posted: 2008-03-13 21:31:16 Post subject:

提

莞君
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Joined: 20 Oct 2007
Posts: 561
Location: 中国陕西
莞君Collection

Posted: 2008-03-13 21:35:26 Post subject:

提问好欣赏好诗歌 _________________ 莞君

博弈
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Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection

Posted: 2008-03-15 00:45:28 Post subject:

不错的。秘密的分段或营造似乎还可以再用功，感觉诗文潜能还有未释放处。 _________________ （在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美）

莞君
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Joined: 20 Oct 2007
Posts: 561
Location: 中国陕西
莞君Collection

Posted: 2008-03-15 19:27:46 Post subject:

不错的几个再赏问好 _________________ 莞君

古井
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Joined: 01 Jun 2007
Posts: 190

古井Collection

Posted: 2008-03-16 06:25:47 Post subject: Re: ★村庄即景 ...

半溪明月 wrote:

★村庄即景
...

问好！

古井
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Joined: 01 Jun 2007
Posts: 190

古井Collection

Posted: 2008-03-16 06:26:18 Post subject: Re: 好久不见了。

杯中冲浪 wrote:

好久不见了。

呵呵，问好！

古井
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Joined: 01 Jun 2007
Posts: 190

古井Collection

Posted: 2008-03-16 06:27:09 Post subject: Re: 你用玉兰花的温柔 ...

杨海军 wrote:

你用玉兰花的温柔
...

谢谢意见哦，我再斟酌！

古井
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Joined: 01 Jun 2007
Posts: 190

古井Collection

Posted: 2008-03-16 06:27:38 Post subject: Re: 提

七小姐 wrote:

提

谢谢！

古井
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Joined: 01 Jun 2007
Posts: 190

古井Collection

Posted: 2008-03-16 06:29:07 Post subject: Re: 提问好欣赏好诗歌

莞君 wrote:

提问好欣赏好诗歌

问好！

古井
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Joined: 01 Jun 2007
Posts: 190

古井Collection

Posted: 2008-03-16 06:29:58 Post subject: Re: 不错的。 ...

博弈 wrote:

不错的。
...

谢谢意见，努力提高！

古井
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Joined: 01 Jun 2007
Posts: 190

古井Collection

Posted: 2008-03-16 06:37:09 Post subject: Re: 不错的几个再赏问好

莞君 wrote:

不错的几个再赏问好

谢谢厚爱！

钓月
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Joined: 12 Apr 2008
Posts: 409
Location: 中国江苏
钓月Collection

Posted: 2008-05-06 05:18:19 Post subject:

很诗意.只是过犹不及! _________________ 欲钓那只太阳,却钓了一轮月亮 http://www.hongxiu.com/my.asp?id=1310875 http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanqirong

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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