赵福治
探花
Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 3456
Location: 中国北京
赵福治Collection |
 Posted: 2007-11-04 22:02:33 Post subject: 赵福治《听雪》（中英文对照） |
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赵福治诗1首（英译）
译/童天鉴日
◎Listening to Snow
wr. by Zhao Fuzhi
I didn't think that on pure white
I can open hands like this, supporting thoughts
Sparkling and the way of mind are soaring in sky
There's no excuse, in the following old conventions
How old is the snow? No one knows
While I'm expressing the snow,
You are sitting in the plum blossoms
Listening to one of them blooming
◎ 听雪
诗/赵福治
洁白之上，想不到
手可以这样张开。托起思绪
晶莹和心路，漫天飞舞
没有借口，古老的沿袭中
雪有多老？无人而知
我这样表述雪的时候，你
正坐在梅里，听一朵花开 |
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jemmy
秀才
Joined: 06 Jun 2007
Posts: 414
Location: china
jemmyCollection |
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戴玨
秀才
Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 808
戴玨Collection |
| Posted: 2007-11-05 02:13:27 Post subject: Re: 赵福治《听雪》（中英文对照） |
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| 赵福治 wrote: |
赵福治诗1首（英译）
译/童天鉴日
◎ Listening To Snow
poetry by Zhao Fuzhi
translation by TTJR
On pure white, I couldn't miss
Opening hands just like her. Holding the thinking
Sparkling and the way of mind are flying in the sky
There are no excuses. In the flow of history
How old is she? Nobody can catch the answer
When I give some presentations to her
You are sitting in the plums
And listening to blossom
◎ 听雪
诗/赵福治
洁白之上，想不到
手可以这样张开。托起思绪
晶莹和心路，漫天飞舞
没有借口，古老的沿袭中
雪有多老？无人而知
我这样表述雪的时候，你
正坐在梅里，听一朵花开 |
想不到-I couldn't miss?
just like her多餘。
思緒或可用thoughts
沿襲的意思像是沒翻出來。
How old is she?對照原文，看完整首才明白she，her原來是指雪。譯文意思不是很清楚，不如像原文一樣用snow，而不是用代詞。
Nobody can catch the answer不如簡單地翻成No one knows。
When I give some presentations to her 這句的意思是
當我向她作陳述，和原文意思相左。
听一朵花开，可考慮譯為listening to a blossom blooming。
_________________
I labour by singing light
我的blog
我的專欄 |
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William Zhou周道模
探花
Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection |
| Posted: 2007-11-13 15:51:57 Post subject: |
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戴先生评改得很好了,同意.
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模 |
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赵福治
探花
Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 3456
Location: 中国北京
赵福治Collection |
| Posted: 2007-11-13 18:20:24 Post subject: |
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| jemmy wrote: |
我还以为是你自译，以为多个伴，不想。。。
会尝试吗？ |
我可不会翻译，问好了。 |
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赵福治
探花
Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 3456
Location: 中国北京
赵福治Collection |
| Posted: 2007-11-13 18:21:16 Post subject: Re: 赵福治《听雪》（中英文对照） |
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| 戴玨 wrote: |
| 赵福治 wrote: |
赵福治诗1首（英译）
译/童天鉴日
◎ Listening To Snow
poetry by Zhao Fuzhi
translation by TTJR
On pure white, I couldn't miss
Opening hands just like her. Holding the thinking
Sparkling and the way of mind are flying in the sky
There are no excuses. In the flow of history
How old is she? Nobody can catch the answer
When I give some presentations to her
You are sitting in the plums
And listening to blossom
◎ 听雪
诗/赵福治
洁白之上，想不到
手可以这样张开。托起思绪
晶莹和心路，漫天飞舞
没有借口，古老的沿袭中
雪有多老？无人而知
我这样表述雪的时候，你
正坐在梅里，听一朵花开 |
想不到-I couldn't miss?
just like her多餘。
思緒或可用thoughts
沿襲的意思像是沒翻出來。
How old is she?對照原文，看完整首才明白she，her原來是指雪。譯文意思不是很清楚，不如像原文一樣用snow，而不是用代詞。
Nobody can catch the answer不如簡單地翻成No one knows。
When I give some presentations to her 這句的意思是
當我向她作陳述，和原文意思相左。
听一朵花开，可考慮譯為listening to a blossom blooming。 |
感谢兄。握手。 |
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赵福治
探花
Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 3456
Location: 中国北京
赵福治Collection |
| Posted: 2007-11-13 18:22:27 Post subject: |
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| William Zhou周道模 wrote: |
| 戴先生评改得很好了,同意. |
麻烦兄给编辑修改一下，多谢。 |
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William Zhou周道模
探花
Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection |
| Posted: 2007-11-13 21:17:45 Post subject: |
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赵君有令，小生上前；权作尝试，专家指点。
Listening to Snow
wr. by Zhao Fuzhi
I didn't think that on pure white
I can open hands like this, supporting thoughts
Sparkling and the way of mind are soaring in sky
There's no excuse, in the following old conventions
How old is the snow? No one knows
While I'm expressing the snow,
You are sitting in the plum blossoms
Listening to one of them blooming
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模 |
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赵福治
探花
Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 3456
Location: 中国北京
赵福治Collection |
| Posted: 2007-11-13 23:29:10 Post subject: |
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| William Zhou周道模 wrote: |
赵君有令，小生上前；权作尝试，专家指点。
Listening to Snow
wr. by Zhao Fuzhi
I didn't think that on pure white
I can open hands like this, supporting thoughts
Sparkling and the way of mind are soaring in sky
There's no excuse, in the following old conventions
How old is the snow? No one knows
While I'm expressing the snow,
You are sitting in the plum blossoms
Listening to one of them blooming |
感谢，就按兄编辑的，我把上面的编辑一下，握手。 |
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kokho
进士出身
Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection |
| Posted: 2007-11-18 11:22:39 Post subject: |
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。
喜欢 中文的版本多些 ：）
。。
_________________
乒乓、摄影、诗歌 |
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赵福治
探花
Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 3456
Location: 中国北京
赵福治Collection |
| Posted: 2007-12-26 19:52:16 Post subject: |
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| 感谢朋友们. |
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博弈
榜眼
Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection |
| Posted: 2007-12-27 07:18:43 Post subject: |
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闲逛至此，一点看法。
梅非plum.
不妨就创个新字 mei, 不用学名或日本输出。多用老外就熟了。
干脆也来写一个，先英后借中；如下交流（不是直翻咯）
to imagine oh heavenly no
on top of the pure white
my hands could extend so
caring up crystals and pathways
thoughts dance, flooring the sky
洁白之上，想不到
手可以这样张开。托起思绪
晶莹和心路，漫天飞舞
no stories, amid ancient heritages
how old's the snow? no one can tell
没有借口，古老的沿袭中
雪有多老？无人而知
as I express the snow, you sitting
in trees, give ear to a mei blossom
我这样表述雪的时候，你
正坐在梅里，听一朵花开
_________________
（在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美） |
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William Zhou周道模
探花
Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection |
| Posted: 2007-12-27 13:06:03 Post subject: |
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博先生的翻译简洁、地道，学习了。caring up ? can "car"be used as a verb?
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模 |
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Lake
举人
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
LakeCollection |
| Posted: 2007-12-28 04:52:28 Post subject: |
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| William Zhou周道模 wrote: |
| caring up ? can "car"be used as a verb? |
I don't think 'caring' comes from 'car'; it can be 'care'  'caring'. But it doesn't make much sense to me. Or 'carry' 'carrying'? I dunno.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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博弈
榜眼
Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection |
| Posted: 2007-12-28 05:42:49 Post subject: |
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| Lake wrote: |
| William Zhou周道模 wrote: |
| caring up ? can "car"be used as a verb? |
I don't think 'caring' comes from 'car'; it can be 'care' 'caring'. But it doesn't make much sense to me. Or 'carry' 'carrying'? I dunno. |
Lake 法眼。解释一下，看看能不能过关？我并非翻译，但为读时的感觉；
my hands could extend so
caring up crystals and pathways
thoughts dance, flooring the sky
手可以这样张开。托起思绪
晶莹和心路，漫天飞舞
1。我把心路拆开了， care and pathway, 而 pathway 又连到舞。这里的托起，有心理的成分，而分解后又得连接。你可以把 caring 看作具词义且变了词性的 prep.，如同 concerning 的连接主副字句功能。这个用法较新。
2。so and no 为了声音效果，也可以解读为倒装
my hands could extend caring so
thoughts dance up crystals and pathways
4。care 亦有 upkeep 的意义，声音上可以联想到 carry/cheer up.
我比较喜欢 1。
_________________
（在不斷的審醜裡終將建立起新的審美） |
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kino
秀才
Joined: 23 Dec 2006
Posts: 411
Location: beijing
kinoCollection |
| Posted: 2008-01-22 20:34:36 Post subject: |
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我个人喜欢博弈老兄的翻译
手可以这样张开。托起思绪
晶莹和心路，漫天飞舞
对这一句的理解，博弈的翻译更灵活。这两句本身有点含混，不知道是什么在舞，雪或者思绪，或者二者都有，但是晶莹这个形容词和心路这个有点抽象的词要漫天飞舞，就有点不合逻辑。处理成思绪飞舞还是挺好的，也可以联想到雪花的飞舞。
童天鉴日的名字好像在哪里见过，好像挺厉害。他把这首诗翻译的有点超现实的味道。 |
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