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微型散文诗二章
西情
童生


Joined: 17 Jun 2006
Posts: 27
Location: 甘肃武威
西情Collection
PostPosted: 2007-09-08 18:55:33    Post subject: 微型散文诗二章 Reply with quote

《岸的想象》






一场秋雨,承载着成熟的思绪.

清澈的水,冲刷出季节的呼吸.停留的脚步,隐藏在流动的目光中,奔向透明的远方.







找一个支点,拾起两岸的距离.

夜的沉积,点击出片片涟漪.银色的月光,长满梦幻的想象,悬一弯痴情的美丽.







渗透夏日的温度,铺满阳光洒落的晨曦.

摘下黄昏疲惫的笑声,撑一对信念的双浆,划出人生执着的方向.







起点,倒映在水中,释放出一端的守望.

深度的测量,融化了冰封的乐章,涌动的脉搏,驻留在遥远的东方.


《山村素描 》



1.炊烟



晨曦,浮起一层清新的思绪,亲吻泥土潮湿的脸庞。

朦胧的山脊,挽起稻田里轻抚的风,吹开一团灰色的梦境。

崎岖的小路,仰望一片飘浮的云絮,衔起山那边,沉睡的记忆。



2.老房子



童年,敲打着黄土厚重的身躯。

青色的屋顶,在阳光下轮回,接受秋天激情的洗礼。

渴望,凝固成干涩土壤,勾勒出岁月苍老的痕迹。



3.牧羊



洁白的羊群,飘在河岸两旁。

流动的水,谱出春天的音符,奏响片片新绿。

笑声涌出村口,赶走一群跳跃的嬉戏。



4.丰收



夕阳,割倒一片守望,收集秋色铺满的金黄。

镰刀明亮的闪过,驱散季节短暂的忧伤。

看,远方走来的欢腾,将幸福碾成粒粒希望。






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风起沙海狂飘雪,裹得弯月踏雄关!
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郭野曦
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Joined: 07 Sep 2007
Posts: 29
Location: 中国:吉林
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PostPosted: 2007-09-14 03:09:17    Post subject: Reply with quote

清新、干净、简洁的文笔,叙述的语气、节奏把握的挺好,但意境略显浅陋,遣词有些程式化!个人管见,不妥之处,见谅!
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让作品说话,文本以外的表白,一个字也是多余。
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秦华
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Joined: 10 Oct 2006
Posts: 286
Location: 上海
秦华Collection
PostPosted: 2007-11-12 17:09:37    Post subject: Reply with quote

郭野曦 wrote:
清新、干净、简洁的文笔,叙述的语气、节奏把握的挺好,但意境略显浅陋,遣词有些程式化!个人管见,不妥之处,见谅!

同感!
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<版权所有,转载通知>文学是我的心舟,
音乐是我的歌喉,
舞蹈伴我常相走,
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西情
童生


Joined: 17 Jun 2006
Posts: 27
Location: 甘肃武威
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PostPosted: 2007-12-10 23:22:54    Post subject: Reply with quote

问好二位!谢谢指正!握!
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中国湖北:文胜
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Joined: 20 Dec 2007
Posts: 149
Location: 中国湖北省襄樊市
中国湖北:文胜Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-05 22:10:05    Post subject: Reply with quote

个见:写出微型散文诗之味。但不如分组。西北部独有的视角,也许会酝酿出红高粱的醇香!
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无他。爱诗,仅此。
诗心、歌爱、走路。足矣!
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