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月光/斜阳1[2]  Next
悠子
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Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
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PostPosted: 2008-01-05 09:09:49    Post subject: 月光/斜阳 Reply with quote
@@@月光@@@

蔓草量着步行
乱石把影子折得不平
花瓣落叶飘来的风
吹醒，远处的风景

悠扬的笛子或风铃
和着乱石磨痛的脚心
忘记了夜的将临
变换着心情

想找你
来路已被遮掩 无法看清
忘记了想和你说的话
只能用一种不同的声音

月亮清柔地表达日的激情
树枝争着投进月影
是不是你
借月光轻触我的眼睛

01/15/2008revised

斜阳

黄昏
心抹一缕斜阳
遐想

将别时
你才露出绝美的模样
终于让我对望
枝头树叶闪着金黄
为何
殷红色里却带一丝惆怅
滤去了喧闹的声响
沉淀了疯狂
留些许清澈的余香
伴我于回家的路上

黄昏
心随斜阳
流淌
10/02/2007
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詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
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PostPosted: 2008-01-05 09:58:38    Post subject: Reply with quote
野草量着步行
乱石把影子折得不平

起首的兩句特好！
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沙漠
秀才


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Location: 中国温州
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PostPosted: 2008-01-05 13:37:00    Post subject: Reply with quote
比较喜欢<月光>,可以精简些.
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詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


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PostPosted: 2008-01-05 13:39:32    Post subject: Reply with quote
沙漠 wrote:
比较喜欢<月光>,可以精简些.


能不能麻煩一下，明指出您覺得可以精簡之處？謝謝！
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悠子
举人


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悠子Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-05 13:41:16    Post subject: Reply with quote
詩盜喜裸評 wrote:
野草量着步行
乱石把影子折得不平

起首的兩句特好！


恩，好像喝多了， 盗岛找到知音了
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悠子
举人


Joined: 04 Jan 2008
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悠子Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-05 13:41:53    Post subject: Reply with quote
谢沙漠， 问好。。。
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詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


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詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-05 13:45:35    Post subject: Reply with quote
悠子 wrote:
谢沙漠， 问好。。。


這是希望不要明指出的意思？

我只有醒著或睡著，醉的那個過程很短，短到幾乎無法停留在銀幕前回貼。
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悠子
举人


Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
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悠子Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-05 13:50:29    Post subject: Reply with quote
詩盜喜裸評 wrote:


這是希望不要明指出的意思？

我只有醒著或睡著，醉的那個過程很短，短到幾乎無法停留在銀幕前回貼。


当然希望指出， 正想谢你帮忙问了~
是呀， 还是不醉的好~ 我也领教过你醉着写贴的时候~骂人~
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詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


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Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-05 15:36:21    Post subject: Reply with quote
悠子 wrote:
詩盜喜裸評 wrote:


這是希望不要明指出的意思？

我只有醒著或睡著，醉的那個過程很短，短到幾乎無法停留在銀幕前回貼。


当然希望指出， 正想谢你帮忙问了~
是呀， 还是不醉的好~ 我也领教过你醉着写贴的时候~骂人~


您哪！認錯人了，從來沒罵過人啊？要不就是粗魯些吧！那可沒辦法，俺水平太低的關係。
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迪拜
同进士出身


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PostPosted: 2008-01-05 17:54:37    Post subject: Reply with quote
都很好
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-05 21:05:26    Post subject: Reply with quote
@@@月光@@@

脚步度着野草，乱石折叠影子
笛子或风铃，悠扬飘渺
不知名的风吹来
花叶飘零，谁被吹醒？

夜，忘记乱石磨脚的痛
心情已换，一再留恋
而回路早被遮掩，模糊
一如你我说过的密语
在枝头黯然

月亮升起了。那流泻的月光
如果不是你温柔的小手
却如何触疼了我流泪的眼睛？



不好意思，帮你修改了一下～没怎么精简！ Smile
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杨海军
进士出身


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PostPosted: 2008-01-05 21:53:37    Post subject: Reply with quote
野草量着步行
乱石把影子折得不平
远处有很美的风景
花瓣落叶飘来
不知是哪季的风 吹醒

时不时有笛子或风铃
声音很悠扬 很轻
和着远处夜的将临
忘记了乱石磨痛的脚心
变换着心情

回过头时
来路已被遮掩 无法看清
想找你
却忘记了想和你说的话
只能用一种不同的声音

月亮升起来了
清柔地表达着日的激情
树枝争着投进月影
不知道是不是你借着月光
轻轻触我的眼睛?

祝好！！
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悠子
举人


Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
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悠子Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-06 03:45:47    Post subject: Reply with quote
谢谢迪拜, 半溪明月, 杨海军, 问好

半溪明月: 谢您的建议， 我来改改看
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詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-06 04:27:57    Post subject: Reply with quote
半溪明月 wrote:
@@@月光@@@

脚步度着野草，乱石折叠影子
笛子或风铃，悠扬飘渺
不知名的风吹来
花叶飘零，谁被吹醒？

夜，忘记乱石磨脚的痛
心情已换，一再留恋
而回路早被遮掩，模糊
一如你我说过的密语
在枝头黯然

月亮升起了。那流泻的月光
如果不是你温柔的小手
却如何触疼了我流泪的眼睛？



不好意思，帮你修改了一下～没怎么精简！ Smile


這位半大哥！您的改法與原作的（一切）相去甚遠啊！
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悠子
举人


Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
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悠子Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-06 06:22:12    Post subject: Reply with quote
你这个诗盗， 怎么乱叫呢， 那你负责帮我改~
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詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


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PostPosted: 2008-01-06 09:32:28    Post subject: Reply with quote
我要有你一半的文筆，一定會嘗試一下的。可惜沒有！慢慢練練，等我喔～
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hepingdao
Site Admin


Joined: 25 May 2006
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hepingdaoCollection
PostPosted: 2008-01-06 09:47:13    Post subject: Reply with quote
月亮升起来了
清柔地表达着日的激情

清新
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悠子
举人


Joined: 04 Jan 2008
Posts: 1383
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悠子Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-06 11:19:37    Post subject: Reply with quote
詩盜喜裸評 wrote:
我要有你一半的文筆，一定會嘗試一下的。可惜沒有！慢慢練練，等我喔～


恩， 我的笔不好， 你自然是没有的~~我等着喔
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悠子
举人


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PostPosted: 2008-01-15 19:25:33    Post subject: Reply with quote
给减了点肥~

月光

蔓草量着步行
乱石把影子折得不平
花瓣落叶飘来的风
吹醒，远处的风景

悠扬的笛子或风铃
和着乱石磨痛的脚心
忘记了夜的将临
变换着心情

想找你
来路已被遮掩 无法看清
忘记了想和你说的话
只能用一种不同的声音

月亮清柔地表达日的激情
树枝争着投进月影
是不是你
借着月光轻触我的眼睛？
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詩盜喜裸評
进士出身


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 2984
Location: 台湾，台北
詩盜喜裸評Collection
PostPosted: 2008-01-15 19:56:58    Post subject: Reply with quote
蒙俺？这好像是第一个版本？既然减肥，那块赘肉还留着？

对！问号，有问号没问号，有什么不同？

文字真是神奇！两首作品各有所长，相同之处在于都押韵，这里不太时兴。
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