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冬日下一棵树的沉默(问好各位)
风动
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Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 290

风动Collection
PostPosted: 2006-12-15 22:24:22    Post subject: 冬日下一棵树的沉默(问好各位) Reply with quote

初雪的手摸索过大地的余温
河水收敛,灰白的天
拉长了黄昏的脸

接着
雪花,冰凌,北风
几场可以预期的暴风雪
将季节的全部伎俩,压进
冬日下一棵树的沉默

2006-12-14
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和平岛
举人


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection
PostPosted: 2006-12-15 22:46:17    Post subject: Reply with quote

非常形象


摸索过大地的余温
拉长了黄昏的脸
将季节的全部伎俩,压进

把冬天与雪
描写得生动活泼
又有沉重的思考:

冬日下一棵树的沉默
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写诗是为了写更好的诗
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2006-12-15 23:03:08    Post subject: Reply with quote

欣赏,学习! Very Happy
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2006-12-16 17:55:49    Post subject: Reply with quote

修炼数月, 出手果然不凡. 特别喜欢尾句 Smile
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和平岛
举人


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection
PostPosted: 2006-12-16 19:10:47    Post subject: Reply with quote

月光 wrote:
修炼数月, 出手果然不凡. 特别喜欢尾句 Smile


写诗歌不在于多
而在于精呀
Very Happy
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杯中冲浪
进士出身


Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 2891
Location: 中国
杯中冲浪Collection
PostPosted: 2006-12-17 05:24:49    Post subject: Reply with quote

有画面感。问好风动兄。
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杯中冲浪.披履而行
http://blog.sina.com.cn/shoutao006
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维鹿延
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Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 212
Location: 中国广东
维鹿延Collection
PostPosted: 2006-12-17 07:48:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

确实是精炼到家了!
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散步者身体里面的声音
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迪拜
同进士出身


Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection
PostPosted: 2006-12-17 18:03:15    Post subject: 请原谅 Reply with quote

最后两句特别好

另:想改一个标题,无论好不好,请不要骂我

--------标题,能不能改为<冬树>
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风动
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Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 290

风动Collection
PostPosted: 2006-12-17 19:14:33    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢谢友们阅评。

谢谢迪拜兄弟的建言,标题是在没更满意的情况下临时安的,可能已经引起误导的作用,更改考虑中。
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左岸
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Joined: 12 Oct 2006
Posts: 215
Location: 中国大连
左岸Collection
PostPosted: 2006-12-17 19:53:19    Post subject: Reply with quote

初雪的手摸索过大地的余温
河水收敛,灰白的天
拉长了黄昏的脸

接着
雪花,冰凌,北风
几场可以预期的暴风雪
将季节的全部伎俩,压进
冬日下一棵树的沉默
诗句凝练,画面感强,意象冷艳,寓意深邃,尾句精妙。
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黑暗怎样焊住灵魂的银河
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风动
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Joined: 15 Dec 2006
Posts: 290

风动Collection
PostPosted: 2007-01-29 19:20:37    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢谢左岸的阅评,问好!
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