白水
大学士
Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection |
 Posted: 2006-11-08 17:04:11 Post subject: <Fire Bird> |
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摄影: 和平岛
<Fire Bird>
Aimed to catch the sun
You soar to the sky
When blood-red poppies
run over the sea
the charm, the fascination
the uncontrollable excitement
and the wishful thinking
all cover the blue
with dazzling gold
you dive into the furnace
like a moth rushing to the light,
oh, No! you rush to the fire sea
when the sun rises
you meet it without hesitation
and your small body becomes instantly a black cloud
<火鸟>
你把羽翼指向苍天
去捕捉太阳
那些鲜红的, 血一样的罌粟花
漫开海面
那魔力, 那诱惑
那不可遏制的兴奋
那兴奋之极的痴狂把深深的蓝
笼罩着令人眩晕的金色
你朝这炙热俯冲
像只扑灯, 不! 像只扑向火海的飞蛾
当太阳升起的时候
毫不迟疑的
迎向它
把自己弱小的身躯, 转瞬为
一朵浓云 |
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和平岛
举人
Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection |
| Posted: 2006-11-08 17:26:09 Post subject: Re: <Fire Bird> |
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| 月光 wrote: |
You soar to the sky
want to catch the sun
|
就看这一句：
一个句子，要有主谓宾
如何用英语的习惯，表达好呢？
_________________
写诗是为了写更好的诗 |
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白水
大学士
Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection |
| Posted: 2006-11-08 18:11:13 Post subject: |
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| 谢谢你, PEACE. 这里我刚开始用了句很规范的句子,后老外说力度不够. 就改成这样了. 按理说, SOAR 是VI不及物动词, 不要宾语似没错, 你看呢?或者加上标点符号,LIKE THIS: YOU SOAR TO THE SKY, WANT TO CATCH THE SUN. 写诗写懒了, 分行就忘加标点. |
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和平岛
举人
Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection |
| Posted: 2006-11-08 18:48:18 Post subject: |
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something like this?
Aimed to catch the sun
You soar to the sky
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写诗是为了写更好的诗 |
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白水
大学士
Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection |
| Posted: 2006-11-08 20:12:27 Post subject: |
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| 和平岛 wrote: |
something like this?
Aimed to catch the sun
You soar to the sky |
OH, YEA. MAYBE THIS IS STRONGER THAN MY POEM. THANkS
DO YOU FIND ANOTHER MISTAKEN? |
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非马
秀才
Joined: 22 Jun 2006
Posts: 907
Location: 芝加哥
非马Collection |
| Posted: 2006-11-15 05:53:55 Post subject: 几点小建议 |
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月光好！几点小建议：
1. When blood-red poppies
2.
the charm, the fascination
the uncontrollable excitement
and the wishful thinking
all cover the blue
with dazzling gold
3.
you dive into the furnace
like a moth rushing to the light,
4.
you unhesitatingly meet it
and your small body becomes a black cloud instantly
这两句虽没错，但两个“-ly" 连在一起读起来总觉得不那么顺畅。也许改成：
you meet it without hesitation
and your small body becomes instantly a black cloud
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http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm |
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白水
大学士
Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection |
| Posted: 2006-11-16 20:32:16 Post subject: |
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| 非马老师, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR EDIT, I THINK THE POME IS MUCH BETTER THAN BEFORE. |
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非马
秀才
Joined: 22 Jun 2006
Posts: 907
Location: 芝加哥
非马Collection |
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白水
大学士
Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection |
| Posted: 2006-11-17 08:33:01 Post subject: |
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| 非马老师， 非常感谢您的鼓励和帮助 |
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kokho
进士出身
Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection |
| Posted: 2006-12-04 14:33:28 Post subject: |
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.
<Fire Bird>
. An example of poetic re-construction by kokho
Leading
at the edge of wingtips
a blood-red poppy ...
lacing the sea
with charm and fascination
defying the reach and depth of blue
yet manifesting sprinkles of
... ungrapple-able gold!
When the poppy awakens
... a sun-fired ocean
boils not a moth
. but the will of all the flappable feathers
Only the buoyant reminiscence
. of a black cloud remains!
.
.[As you can see you are not constrained by language... ]
火鸟
诗歌重建ｋｏｋｈｏ
在翼尖引导着
。 是朵大红罌粟花
以想象的魅媚把大海深沉的坎蓝
酿成了
。 不能自我的一片烁金！
当罌粟苏醒的时刻
。 太阳正烤煮着海洋
不止于飞蛾。。。
。 而是所有羽毛飞翔的意志
只剩下在回思里浮沉的
。 一片乌云！
。
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kokho
进士出身
Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection |
| Posted: 2006-12-04 14:34:00 Post subject: |
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让我和您分享 一个双语诗歌的心得。。。
当你 以形象来写诗歌，形象群的选择和互动操作的好，
语言就不会成为阻碍 ：））
这首你的 形象群选择的好； 就是形象互动的处理不够好 。。。
直言了，请谅 ！
。
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kokho
进士出身
Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection |
| Posted: 2006-12-04 14:34:18 Post subject: |
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在这个交流里面，你选了形象群，所以你好比写了，音乐旋律！
我安排的再美，只不过是ａｒｒａｎｇｅｒ，ａｎｄ ｎｏｔ
ｔｈｅ ｃｏｍｐｏｓｅｒ．
不管我安排成交响乐，爵士或蓝调，诗还是你的 ：））
《》我写不出这样的美丽，希望你不要让骄傲 辜负了你ｕｎｉｑｕｅ
的诗歌触感！
Ｙｏｕ ｈａｖｅ ａ ｓｅｎｓｅ ｆｏｒ ｔｈｅ ｖｉｂｅｓ！
你有信手偶得之的天分。。。
：））
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白水
大学士
Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection |
| Posted: 2006-12-04 14:55:15 Post subject: |
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哈, 你来了, 有时间帮我也看看其他英文诗歌. 你知道, 我是为了学英文. 不要要求太高, 循序渐进, 别把我吓跑了.谢谢  |
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kokho
进士出身
Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection |
| Posted: 2006-12-04 14:59:19 Post subject: |
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| 月光 wrote: |
| 哈, 你来了, 有时间帮我也看看其他英文诗歌. 你知道, 我是为了学英文. 不要要求太高, 循序渐进, 别把我吓跑了.谢谢 |
看到你真高兴，不知道你在这里用马甲 ：））
哟不然早都来了。。。
你有非马，还要我做什么？
。
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白水
大学士
Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection |
| Posted: 2006-12-04 15:25:44 Post subject: |
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三人行, 必有我师. 非马老师是非常好的老师, 可你难道就不愿意帮助别人吗? 你没看PEACE也在帮我吗? 我其实挺恨自己陷入诗歌不能自拔, 其实应该把时间放在学英文上, 可我太喜欢诗歌了, 整个一玩物丧志. 没法子才逼着自己写英文诗歌, 才好英文, 诗歌两不误. 只不过英文诗歌只能写简单点.
HI, 我的朋友都知道我不会说话, 如有不妥, 见谅. |
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kokho
进士出身
Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection |
| Posted: 2006-12-04 23:03:40 Post subject: |
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| 月光 wrote: |
三人行, 必有我师. 非马老师是非常好的老师, 可你难道就不愿意帮助别人吗? 你没看PEACE也在帮我吗? 我其实挺恨自己陷入诗歌不能自拔, 其实应该把时间放在学英文上, 可我太喜欢诗歌了, 整个一玩物丧志. 没法子才逼着自己写英文诗歌, 才好英文, 诗歌两不误. 只不过英文诗歌只能写简单点.
HI, 我的朋友都知道我不会说话, 如有不妥, 见谅. |
三人行也满啦。。。我陪你们打麻将 ；））
你知道，我在开玩笑，灌水！
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