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《梦中小屋》 发首旧作,请老师点评~
半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-23 07:32:26    Post subject: 《梦中小屋》 发首旧作,请老师点评~ Reply with quote

《梦中小屋》

打个电话去吵醒
你梦中的小屋
我就要出发了
醒来吧,我的丫头
来聆听我爱的呼唤吧
在你甜甜的梦乡里
是否有我辗转的身影

我是一个行者
奔走在大河山川
前方的路依然坎坷
有你就是我前行的甜蜜
不管是秋雨潇潇
还是冬雪皑皑,于我
那都是情歌喷涌的源泉

打个电话去吵醒
你梦中的小屋
我就要出发了
醒来吧,我的丫头
来聆听我爱的呢喃吧
将我思念的蝴蝶放飞
在你梦中的小屋缠绵

我是一个行者
这一刻就要上路
牵挂在心头缱绻
再次叮嘱,我的丫头
请将你梦中的小屋锁紧
看窗外那摇曳的矢菊花吧
耐心守侯我一袭蓝衣归来
2005-7-16
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和平岛
举人


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-23 22:26:28    Post subject: Reply with quote

打个电话去吵醒

平实的语言, 也许更能感人
_________________
写诗是为了写更好的诗
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杯中冲浪
进士出身


Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 2891
Location: 中国
杯中冲浪Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-24 02:36:18    Post subject: Reply with quote

很不错,尤其最后一节。
_________________
杯中冲浪.披履而行
http://blog.sina.com.cn/shoutao006
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-24 03:37:37    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢谢老师们评读.以前没怎么读别人的诗歌,现在接触的多了,对自己以前写的有点疑惑,感觉和现代诗歌有一定的距离.
不过我会多学习大家的诗歌,学会什么意象啊,美感啊,回味啊等~
问好大家了~ Very Happy
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一无
秀才


Joined: 20 Mar 2013
Posts: 576
Location: 中国
一无Collection
PostPosted: 2013-09-17 09:23:15    Post subject: Reply with quote

“不管是秋雨潇潇
还是冬雪皑皑,于我
那都是情歌喷涌的源泉 ”

如此的源泉,真的清新。

(在第399页找来)
_________________
名心退尽道心生,如梦如仙句偶成。天籁自鸣天趣足,好诗不过近人情。

———清 张问陶



http://www.yizitong.org/weblog.php?w=397
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山城子
榜眼


Joined: 23 May 2007
Posts: 4771
Location: 中国贵州
山城子Collection
PostPosted: 2013-09-17 22:47:58    Post subject: Reply with quote

打个电话去吵醒
你梦中的小屋
我就要出发了

_特喜欢这个反复!!

——祝半溪明月中秋节阖家欢乐!!
_________________
诗是人生的雅伴儿。
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