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西班牙斗牛士(外二首)
齐遂林
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Joined: 15 Nov 2006
Posts: 158

齐遂林Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-15 01:06:54    Post subject: 西班牙斗牛士(外二首) Reply with quote

为了得到一只牛耳
和人们的掌声
我用狡诈与利剑
同忠厚决斗
那一方红布
是谁都能看懂的技俩
可我深知牛们不懂
所以我脸上总是写着胜利
不管它跪在地上
血流汩汩
2003年6月13日


好心如阳光般照耀着
从每个人身上发出不同的温度
你和我在照耀下热得发昏
不得不接受善良的错误
其实世界本是座森林
每一片叶子各不相同
2003年6月14日

微笑

有一种职业叫做微笑
面对上司面对同事
面对身份高贵的狗
面对世间所有的烦恼
你除了微笑也只能微笑
面对镜子时
看起来你是笑给自己
可我却能看出
你是担心有人汇报
2003年6月19日
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和平岛
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Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-15 08:04:03    Post subject: Reply with quote

构想精巧
出奇制胜呀

挂起来, 请朋友们评说
Very Happy
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写诗是为了写更好的诗
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齐遂林
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Joined: 15 Nov 2006
Posts: 158

齐遂林Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-15 18:41:16    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote="和平岛"]构想精巧
出奇制胜呀

挂起来, 请朋友们评说
Very Happy[/quote]
谢谢,俺新上来,望多批!
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和平岛
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Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-15 19:20:23    Post subject: Reply with quote

欢迎

不足的地方是语言直接了一些
Very Happy
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齐遂林
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Joined: 15 Nov 2006
Posts: 158

齐遂林Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-17 21:39:30    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢谢和平岛,一咏三叹是我努力的方向!
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左岸
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Joined: 12 Oct 2006
Posts: 215
Location: 中国大连
左岸Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-19 19:41:15    Post subject: Reply with quote

诗写得流畅隽,构思立意都不错,缺少一点点打动人心的东西,个见,问好
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黑暗怎样焊住灵魂的银河
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齐遂林
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Joined: 15 Nov 2006
Posts: 158

齐遂林Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-19 20:08:17    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote="左岸"]诗写得流畅隽,构思立意都不错,缺少一点点打动人心的东西,个见,问好[/quote]
谢左岸批评
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维鹿延
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Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 212
Location: 中国广东
维鹿延Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-20 01:37:07    Post subject: Reply with quote

缺乏某种关乎核心的物质。这种核心就是作者的思想:个人的,其他人没有的。
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散步者身体里面的声音
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蓝桥
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Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 105

蓝桥Collection
PostPosted: 2006-11-20 02:03:35    Post subject: Reply with quote

语言平实,表达的却很具力量。很具现实表现力的一组!
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