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诗四首,请批评
桔子
秀才


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 214

桔子Collection
PostPosted: 2007-08-15 20:05:10    Post subject: 诗四首,请批评 Reply with quote
一个失忆的早晨

雨水翻转
我的舌尖开始摇晃
表达陷入混乱

银鹭在一碗面汤中低回
缓缓地冲进芦苇丛。四周
又恢复了宁静

我关闭门窗
不再记得什么。

袋鼠

阳台方向发生微弱的耳语
玉兰花与盆菊相互倾诉饥渴
我蜷缩在沙发上欣赏一本画册
几只蜜蜂留连花丛间
准确地说它们落在副页上
属于一个善于捕捉镜头的人

茶杯里飘出甜滋滋的气味
小酌一口清香，淡雅
我已经合上画册
目光落在阳台的玉兰花瓣上
她们盛开的样子充满诱惑

回忆

我打开一道门
按动红色的按键
黑胶片开始在脑海里旋转

窗外桉树叶闪烁
风停在树梢上充当配角

我装扮成鼹鼠，钻洞，寻光
铲除魔兽，削掉瓦砾的脑袋，堆砌时间
身后立起它们的坟丘
墓碑上站着一只鸟
它孤独，露出忧伤
我不知道某一刻回眸的眼神
是否会刺痛它向高处飞去

桃花痣

这是一个思想颓废之人
这是一个低级无聊之人
但这是一个暗藏桃花之人

天空乌云密集
他身披黑色的皮质外罩
在春天的巷口等候

春雨悄然而至
事物萌芽
此刻适合摘取一片景致
做爱情信物
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2007-08-15 20:39:12    Post subject: Reply with quote
沉静, 抒情.
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迪拜
同进士出身


Joined: 31 Oct 2006
Posts: 1588

迪拜Collection
PostPosted: 2007-08-15 22:20:12    Post subject: Reply with quote
<回忆>

是一首不错的诗歌

有质感.
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2007-08-16 10:15:43    Post subject: Reply with quote
内心的情绪借助外物得到很好的表现～欣赏！
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下一个偶像是野兽
秀才


Joined: 16 Jan 2007
Posts: 504
Location: 西安
下一个偶像是野兽Collection
PostPosted: 2007-08-16 20:59:25    Post subject: Reply with quote
身后立起它们的坟丘
墓碑上站着一只鸟
它孤独，露出忧伤
我不知道某一刻回眸的眼神
是否会刺痛它向高处飞去

-------------------------
这个好
_________________
我的博客：http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1251343504
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桔子
秀才


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 214

桔子Collection
PostPosted: 2007-08-17 14:39:22    Post subject: Reply with quote
白水 Moonlight wrote:
沉静, 抒情.

谢谢白水，多批评哦： Very Happy
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桔子
秀才


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 214

桔子Collection
PostPosted: 2007-08-17 14:40:05    Post subject: Reply with quote
迪拜 wrote:
<回忆>

是一首不错的诗歌

有质感.

那是我们共同的回忆． Surprised
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桔子
秀才


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 214

桔子Collection
PostPosted: 2007-08-17 14:41:04    Post subject: Reply with quote
半溪明月 wrote:
内心的情绪借助外物得到很好的表现～欣赏！

喜欢你的评语，嘻～～问好半溪明月 Very Happy
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桔子
秀才


Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 214

桔子Collection
PostPosted: 2007-08-17 14:41:36    Post subject: Reply with quote
下一个偶像是野兽 wrote:
身后立起它们的坟丘
墓碑上站着一只鸟
它孤独，露出忧伤
我不知道某一刻回眸的眼神
是否会刺痛它向高处飞去

-------------------------
这个好

问好，多多指点． Very Happy
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