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小诗两首。望批。
衣楼
童生


Joined: 06 Jul 2007
Posts: 54

衣楼Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-06 17:50:45    Post subject: 小诗两首。望批。 Reply with quote

《金条河》
河水里流动的金条晃人的眼睛
人们争抢着跳进河中
——跳进河中的没有回来

亲人的哭泣开始像流水一样嘈杂
死亡的气息弥漫着河水走过千年
但止不住的人心坠入河中
和许多好奇的金子
一张张卖身契折成的纸帆船
带着魔鬼的冷笑沉入水底

也有聪明者系有绳索,设备齐全
在许久失去动静后,却让人惊讶
——拉上来的是一捆腐木
或是石头,或是废铁
不见血肉,也不见骨头

唯有河里流动的金条晃人的眼睛
晃得人们失去理智像发了疯的狗
晃得不只是城市,不只是大陆

《黎明的火焰》
黎明的火焰烧到天边
不啻秋天的特权,风如镰刀
齐刷刷砍下七月的谷穗
捣出的蚕子放进圆缸
闷出香甜的米酒
众神也醉得迈不动脚步

我乘机砍下二十四颗神的头颅
二十四条灵魂面向东方
等待我抱来白虎踏浪过江
作为坐骑,作为交换的本钱

让贫瘠的土地谷物不息
让山坡上有草有马
让村庄里的粮食堆住门窗
让城市的天空清新温暖

我将满意地江边坐下
偷偷地笑出声来
目睹众神归位后的世界一片繁花
就算我会受到惩罚
砍下头颅,以乳为眼
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赵福治
探花


Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 3456
Location: 中国北京
赵福治Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-06 18:04:10    Post subject: Reply with quote

砍下头颅,以乳为眼.................两首的结尾都不错.
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-06 19:39:35    Post subject: Reply with quote

好文笔. 欢迎新朋友
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金金
进士出身


Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 2035
Location: 山东济宁
金金Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-06 21:26:32    Post subject: Reply with quote

你的喻体做的很不错,但是你的意图要写清楚才好,诗歌不应该是猜谜,而应该是“延伸发挥谜底”。问好!
_________________
http://blog.sina.com.cn/shirenjinjin
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衣楼
童生


Joined: 06 Jul 2007
Posts: 54

衣楼Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-07 02:56:49    Post subject: Reply with quote

金金。榕树下的“骑云过客”。问好!
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杨海军
进士出身


Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection
PostPosted: 2007-07-07 04:50:58    Post subject: Reply with quote

不错的诗!更喜欢后一首。祝 愉 快!!
_________________
走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮
——拙作《离开村庄》
http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751
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