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黎明
荧石
童生


Joined: 21 Mar 2007
Posts: 31

荧石Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-23 19:21:06    Post subject: 黎明 Reply with quote

沦落他邦多年
那金制的鸟笼
让我留恋
让我心痛

早晨东方吹来了清凉的风
我即将启程
可又象是到他乡旅行

从门到窗子是十步
从窗子到门也是十步
多么熟悉的风景
房子四壁是墙
监狱四壁是墙
心脏四壁是墙

时光的阴冷
令我的骨质疏松
每每试着振动一下双翼
都感到如此的沉重

冥思中大雁掠过屋顶
眼睛里一下子映出了
海市蜃楼般的美景
山野绿了
天上布满了朝霞
地上开遍了黄花
几个提篮筐的小姑娘
在田里挖蒲公英
。。。。。。
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hepingdao
Site Admin


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 8106

hepingdaoCollection
PostPosted: 2007-05-23 19:41:07    Post subject: Reply with quote

这个不错

房子四壁是墙
监狱四壁是墙
心脏四壁是墙

时光的阴冷
令我的骨质疏松
每每试着振动一下双翼
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kokho
进士出身


Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection
PostPosted: 2007-05-23 23:38:06    Post subject: Re: 黎明 Reply with quote

荧石 wrote:
沦落他邦多年
那金制的鸟笼
让我留恋
让我心痛

早晨东方吹来了清凉的风
我即将启程
可又象是到他乡旅行

从门到窗子是十步
从窗子到门也是十步
多么熟悉的风景

房子四壁是墙
监狱四壁是墙
心脏四壁是墙

时光的阴冷
令我的骨质疏松
每每试着振动一下双翼
都感到如此的沉重

冥思中大雁掠过屋顶
眼睛里一下子映出了
海市蜃楼般的美景

山野绿了
天上布满了朝霞
地上开遍了黄花
几个提篮筐的小姑娘
在田里挖蒲公英

。。。。。。


动人的对比描写 很美好的 
 
几个提篮筐的小姑娘 在田里挖蒲公英



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乒乓、摄影、诗歌
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贝多芬
童生


Joined: 17 Mar 2007
Posts: 94
Location: 中国上海
贝多芬Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-24 01:10:47    Post subject: Reply with quote

再精练些为好
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我是一片沉睡的海
渴望苏醒的日子不会到来

http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1259454194
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