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点亮一盏黄昏的灯
雪硯
童生


Joined: 30 Apr 2007
Posts: 80
Location: 台灣‧苗栗
雪硯Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-13 02:35:36    Post subject: 点亮一盏黄昏的灯 Reply with quote

点亮一盏黄昏的灯


回眸
点亮一盏黄昏的灯
来不及道别
一行诗句爬上我

冷 






总是听到运尸的车坠落桥下
被拦截的情报 多如篮子裡的菜虫
飘过来谁人手中捲握的传单
夜以外的黑
都变作艳丽的野狐
一双蹄子
正阔别一只印著绿色商标的方形箱子
窜烧著火苗的双眸
在镜中像一尾多鰭的人鱼
泅进 他的喉尖


繁花之中
他捡起一张褪色的画像


你柔黄的脸
在一块温润的和闐之前
露出微微的桃晕


裁剪一片笑靨
炉子裡挑拨去年的煤球
月儿在谁的肚兜唱起歌来
低头,从战场携回一隻破旧的长靴
一片墨黑的山水
泼洒在他的背影上
仙人掌
钉死
一匹他的昨日


战事老是吃紧
沙漠的上空 一排战机飞过
每一个割裂空气的声音
都坠落水中


他的眼神沿著驼铃的声响
追赶猎人手中的长戟


他们被死光淹没
鐘声
游过来
关上他的眼


每一滴逃亡的血
都是油墨太浓的邮戳
都爱你


诀别的长信糊上
烟阵裡一把颤颤的鱼肠剑
在湿透的衣领在满月的潮音
种植血色的忧鬱


一条蜕皮后的蛇
爬上咕嚕石上的鐘塔
覷著远方


猎人的吆喝像水草
渐渐
在月圆的时候
打湿了灯塔

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韩少君
进士出身


Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 2558
Location: 吉林四平
韩少君Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-13 03:03:54    Post subject: Reply with quote

单看句子和段落都有诗意。而切还不错。但组成一首我就把握不了。可能是我个人不适应。学习了。
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靠才华为自己带来幸福的是才子;靠才华为自己带来痛苦的是诗人!!http://blog.sina.com.cn/hanshaojun345
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-13 03:12:08    Post subject: Reply with quote

韩少君 wrote:
单看句子和段落都有诗意。而切还不错。但组成一首我就把握不了。可能是我个人不适应。学习了。

我也有这感觉~
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杨海军
进士出身


Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-13 05:48:28    Post subject: Reply with quote

写得太低沉,且脱节了。不过句子张力性很强!!祝好!!
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走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮
——拙作《离开村庄》
http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751
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阿依琼裙
秀才


Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 920
Location: 废墟之上
阿依琼裙Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-13 06:39:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

潮湿的颜色~~
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博弈
榜眼


Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection
PostPosted: 2007-05-13 08:23:39    Post subject: Reply with quote

好诗三读。有魔幻色彩,辞工,语言密度与张力和段落长短成反比。象征比喻境界多有藉形容方式行走(‘的’字处,这是一个较老式的写法)。动词转喻用得挺漂亮的,有创意。

或许标题改一个能串连故事的提示,更能让一般人读懂。
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kokho
进士出身


Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection
PostPosted: 2007-09-11 14:55:41    Post subject: Reply with quote

诗歌 和读者能否读懂 很没关系。。。

禅诗 和 寓言诗 都有一定的不可言说的成分 才能说的上上乘 !

诗歌 总归来说 是形象的舞台。。。

就让 楼主的舞台说话;是否日常用语 已经不相干 :)

。。
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乒乓、摄影、诗歌
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