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在邦咯岛海滩的夜晚
William Zhou周道模
探花


Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模Collection
PostPosted: 2013-12-04 09:04:05    Post subject: 在邦咯岛海滩的夜晚 Reply with quote

在邦咯岛海滩的夜晚

周道模

几颗星星,落在沙滩的脚印里
或许是我的巴乌吹落的
落沙的星星,闪着汉语的口音
汉语的身体穿着异乡的夜色
汉语的心灵轻摇梦海的鼾声
坐的星星,坐进烧夜的想象渔火
走的星星,走成生命花瓣的飘零
站的星星,站回故乡忧伤的缭绕
椰风偷偷而来
从沙浪的唇边掏星语
马六甲狭窄的海浪
把岛影、历史和星空挤瘦
几位星星,瘦成邦咯岛的沙粒
在时间的喘息中,学飞••••••

2013-11-8 晨7:06 连山
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chenrunmin
进士出身


Joined: 21 Nov 2009
Posts: 2427
Location: nanjing.jiangsu.china.
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PostPosted: 2013-12-05 20:12:37    Post subject: Reply with quote

有意境,有感染力,感觉很美的,欣赏,学习,问好.
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William Zhou周道模
探花


Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
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PostPosted: 2013-12-07 21:47:34    Post subject: Reply with quote

chenrunmin wrote:
有意境,有感染力,感觉很美的,欣赏,学习,问好.



谢谢陈君的热情鼓励!冬阳的问候!
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山城子
榜眼


Joined: 23 May 2007
Posts: 4771
Location: 中国贵州
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PostPosted: 2013-12-11 13:23:55    Post subject: Reply with quote

坐的星星,坐进烧夜的想象渔火
走的星星,走成生命花瓣的飘零
站的星星,站回故乡忧伤的缭绕
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William Zhou周道模
探花


Joined: 10 Jun 2007
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Location: 中国四川广汉
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PostPosted: 2013-12-19 07:43:47    Post subject: Reply with quote

山城子 wrote:
坐的星星,坐进烧夜的想象渔火
...


谢谢山城子老师的到访和读引!冬日阳光的问候!
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安红红
同进士出身


Joined: 07 Feb 2009
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PostPosted: 2013-12-21 20:35:20    Post subject: Reply with quote

很美好的诗。
从沙浪的唇边掏星语
马六甲狭窄的海浪
把岛影、历史和星空挤瘦

有画面感。还有让人心疼的精致。

坐的星星,坐进烧夜的想象渔火
走的星星,走成生命花瓣的飘零
站的星星,站回故乡忧伤的缭绕

排比用的缠绵悱恻。

这个晚上与星夜融为一体了。动则群星摇曳,静则群星静寂。
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William Zhou周道模
探花


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PostPosted: 2013-12-25 19:44:32    Post subject: Reply with quote

安红红 wrote:
很美好的诗。
...


谢谢安红红专业的解读和热情的鼓励!阳光般的问候!
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钱晓强
秀才


Joined: 01 Mar 2013
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Location: 中国陕西铜川
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PostPosted: 2013-12-27 15:58:21    Post subject: Reply with quote

有些省略,应该加强细节。
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William Zhou周道模
探花


Joined: 10 Jun 2007
Posts: 3950
Location: 中国四川广汉
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PostPosted: 2013-12-28 15:37:33    Post subject: Reply with quote

钱晓强 wrote:
有些省略,应该加强细节。


一般来讲,你的意见很好。但这首有意“空灵”。
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