Maple Review :: View topic

	Chinese Literature Society of North America \| Maple Review \| Immigrants in Canada \| Angel Studio \| The Driftwood Artist Society \| Ocean of Poetry \| Island of Music "HuaHe Cup" 2007 Chinese Mainland and Oversea Poetry Competition and Non-governmental Magazines and Newspapers Joint Exhibition starts on the first day of 2007.
	FAQ Search Memberlist Usergroups Register Profile Log in to check your private messages Sign in Blogs Weblogs News Album



Dictionary Check Poems' Rules & Forms Search for Chinese Poems Poetry & Music

Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

秋水

俭秋斋
童生

Joined: 28 Sep 2013
Posts: 32
Location: 加拿大卡尔加里
俭秋斋Collection

Posted: 2013-09-28 07:06:23 Post subject: 秋水

秋水站在同一个角度聚焦一样的照片，一样的面对山水用相机拧成呆板的语言分隔的时间那些无声的语言掉在水里却不敢说出时间的褶皱水面只是一面镜子映出天空的蓝，天空的静不久之前风来过，云也来过我和你的影子也是三尺的距离却总是无法走远，也无法走近

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2013-09-28 09:49:02 Post subject:

很纯净的诗歌.可以想见卡尔加里的景色问好周末

远狼
秀才

Joined: 04 Nov 2012
Posts: 436
Location: 中国重庆
远狼Collection

Posted: 2013-09-28 20:44:15 Post subject:

何不将最后一节命题为《天长》呢，在地“水面只是一面镜子 ”的“只”有什么特殊作用，去掉有如何？ _________________ __________________________ 诗书短文章，潦草乃为狂。管他载道否，吾趣吾自张。 http://blog.sina.com.cn/huolu9

俭秋斋
童生

Joined: 28 Sep 2013
Posts: 32
Location: 加拿大卡尔加里
俭秋斋Collection

Posted: 2013-09-29 00:58:14 Post subject:

谢谢两位老师！修改：明净的水面映出天空的蓝，天空的静不久之前风来过，云也来过我和你的影子也是三尺的距离却总是无法走远，也无法走近

俭秋斋
童生

Joined: 28 Sep 2013
Posts: 32
Location: 加拿大卡尔加里
俭秋斋Collection

Posted: 2013-09-29 01:00:37 Post subject:

谢谢两位老师！您的指点是我进步的动力！多谢！修改：明净的水面映出天空的蓝，天空的静不久之前风来过，云也来过我和你的影子也是三尺的距离却总是无法走远，也无法走近

远狼
秀才

Joined: 04 Nov 2012
Posts: 436
Location: 中国重庆
远狼Collection

Posted: 2013-10-03 22:32:37 Post subject:

俭秋斋 wrote:

谢谢两位老师！您的指点是我进步的动力！多谢！
...

我想白水也会说，在这里我们都是以诗会友。无师亦人人为师。大家彼此学习交流提高
_________________
__________________________
诗书短文章，潦草乃为狂。
管他载道否，吾趣吾自张。
http://blog.sina.com.cn/huolu9

远狼
秀才

Joined: 04 Nov 2012
Posts: 436
Location: 中国重庆
远狼Collection

Posted: 2013-10-03 22:33:58 Post subject:

俭秋斋 wrote:

谢谢两位老师！
...

似乎改动多了些呵呵
_________________
__________________________
诗书短文章，潦草乃为狂。
管他载道否，吾趣吾自张。
http://blog.sina.com.cn/huolu9

安红红
同进士出身

Joined: 07 Feb 2009
Posts: 1808

安红红Collection

Posted: 2013-10-09 11:35:45 Post subject:

有意境。不修改也挺好。有喃喃自语的味道。 _________________ 如果不开始，会失去过程。 QQ：3972083 微信：qisebaihuayuan

俭秋斋
童生

Joined: 28 Sep 2013
Posts: 32
Location: 加拿大卡尔加里
俭秋斋Collection

Posted: 2013-10-15 10:10:59 Post subject: 谢谢点评

谢谢阅读点评！问好朋友！

一无
秀才

Joined: 20 Mar 2013
Posts: 576
Location: 中国
一无Collection

Posted: 2013-11-05 09:25:44 Post subject:

俭秋斋 wrote:

谢谢两位老师！
...

欣赏朋友的清新诗歌！

我感觉“镜子”应该保留，这是诗者本来的第一感觉，所以让读者也喜欢。句子中的“只”字，我也如远狼朋友感觉，是否去之？
_________________
名心退尽道心生，如梦如仙句偶成。天籁自鸣天趣足，好诗不过近人情。

———清张问陶

http://www.yizitong.org/weblog.php?w=397

Display posts from previous:

Emoticons





View more Emoticons

Page 1 of 1 View previous topic View next topic

Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

Once you post your works here, that means you submits them to the magazine of Maple Review (North American Maple, or BeiMeiFeng), a bilingual journal published by Chinese Literature Society of North America. The magazine holds the right to translate them into Chinese, and publish them in both languages. You need to be responsible for the copyright issues of your own files uploaded.
Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group
phpBB Chinese interface was translated by iCy-fLaME