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Maple Review Home -> 古韵新音

《七绝·故人情》

冰清
同进士出身

Joined: 29 Mar 2007
Posts: 1921

冰清Collection

Posted: 2007-04-22 08:15:29 Post subject: 《七绝·故人情》

《七绝·故人情》潇湘迢递萦回梦，万里悠悠去锦城。遥望吟窗千眼雪，团团好似故人情。 ( 2006,11 )

kokho
进士出身

Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection

Posted: 2007-04-22 12:59:43 Post subject:

拜读　学习　。。 _________________ 乒乓、摄影、诗歌

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2007-04-22 13:30:28 Post subject:

冰清老师诗如泉涌啊, 羡慕. 商榷:千眼雪似绕口了点, 你觉得呢? 己见, 不妥见谅.问好

孙继廷
秀才

Joined: 21 Apr 2007
Posts: 115
Location: 吉林四平
孙继廷Collection

Posted: 2007-04-22 15:50:30 Post subject:

情意浓浓！！和君一首，以释君怀！　　　潇湘水恶隔君梦　　去怀常念在锦城　　勿恨塞外千里雪　　北国亦有故人情

冰清
同进士出身

Joined: 29 Mar 2007
Posts: 1921

冰清Collection

Posted: 2007-04-24 06:56:02 Post subject:

孙继廷 wrote:

情意浓浓！！和君一首，以释君怀！
　
　　潇湘水恶隔君梦
　　去怀常念在锦城
　　勿恨塞外千里雪
　　北国亦有故人情

和诗别开生面，立足点不同，但情意更浓。谢谢继廷朋友！

冰清
同进士出身

Joined: 29 Mar 2007
Posts: 1921

冰清Collection

Posted: 2007-04-24 07:22:41 Post subject:

白水 Moonlight wrote:

冰清老师诗如泉涌啊, 羡慕.
商榷:千眼雪似绕口了点, 你觉得呢? 己见, 不妥见谅.问好 Embarassed

水水，这是我离开多城回家路上的感受。
因行前多次电话给几位朋友辞行,未果,留下丝丝遗憾.机上又见白云簇簇,更生出了许多情意.
曾读<千眼温柔>.诗中"千眼雪",是我见浮云过太空时偶发的联想.原想以它寄寓"千种柔情,万般思绪".
但经你点拨,也觉得它让人费解,也不顺口.
现将它作些改动.

潇湘迢递萦萦梦,
万里悠悠去锦城.
遥望寒天云似雪,
团团敢是故人情?

冰清
同进士出身

Joined: 29 Mar 2007
Posts: 1921

冰清Collection

Posted: 2007-04-24 07:31:26 Post subject:

谢谢kokho鼓励。衷心希望你多批！

戴玨
秀才

Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 808

戴玨Collection

Posted: 2007-04-24 08:49:09 Post subject:

冰清 wrote:

白水 Moonlight wrote:

冰清老师诗如泉涌啊, 羡慕.
商榷:千眼雪似绕口了点, 你觉得呢? 己见, 不妥见谅.问好 Embarassed

改下標題說明是飛機上看到的景會好點，我初讀的時候還以為這是首類似望月懷遠之類的詩呢（團團可指月亮，再加個夢字，所以會這樣聯想）。
另外感覺疊字略多了點。
_________________
I labour by singing light
我的blog
我的專欄

冰清
同进士出身

Joined: 29 Mar 2007
Posts: 1921

冰清Collection

Posted: 2007-04-28 07:06:27 Post subject:

戴玨 wrote:

冰清 wrote:

白水 Moonlight wrote:

冰清老师诗如泉涌啊, 羡慕.
商榷:千眼雪似绕口了点, 你觉得呢? 己见, 不妥见谅.问好 Embarassed

改下標題說明是飛機上看到的景會好點，我初讀的時候還以為這是首類似望月懷遠之類的詩呢（團團可指月亮，再加個夢字，所以會這樣聯想）。
另外感覺疊字略多了點。

谢谢老师的关注和指点。
叠词多了点，试用“萦回”补救一下。

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