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试改友人旧作
李盈枝
状元


Joined: 28 Nov 2009
Posts: 5987
Location: 中国山东
李盈枝Collection
PostPosted: 2013-02-04 10:05:29    Post subject: 试改友人旧作 Reply with quote

七律•宿镇江值雨

一路无心春色秀,长驱直下过扬州。
轴车万辆瓜洲渡,江水千秋入海流。
半夜临轩闻雨注,清晨对塔望江流。
醒来梦觉今非昨,无限江天任我游。

2004年5月旧作

七律•夜宿镇江值雨

一路怡心春色秀,长驱直下过扬州。
飞车万辆瓜洲渡,遗迹千秋古阁楼。
深夜临轩闻雨注,清晨对塔望江流。
远行谁会凭阑意?无限云天任我游。

2013年2月5日试改
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李盈枝
状元


Joined: 28 Nov 2009
Posts: 5987
Location: 中国山东
李盈枝Collection
PostPosted: 2013-02-04 12:29:52    Post subject: Reply with quote

友人七律《夜宿镇江值雨》涂鸦
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李盈枝
状元


Joined: 28 Nov 2009
Posts: 5987
Location: 中国山东
李盈枝Collection
PostPosted: 2013-02-04 12:47:39    Post subject: Reply with quote

七绝•香港夜景

华灯霓照通宵亮,车水流光不夜空。
过客熙熙忙为禄,人生处处皆匆匆。

1999年6月旧作

七绝•香港夜景

华灯霓照通宵亮,车水流光衬夜空。
过客熙熙争赶路,人生无处不匆匆。

2013年2月5日试改
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李盈枝
状元


Joined: 28 Nov 2009
Posts: 5987
Location: 中国山东
李盈枝Collection
PostPosted: 2013-02-04 12:50:12    Post subject: Reply with quote

友人七绝《香港夜景》涂鸦
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黄洋界
探花


Joined: 23 Mar 2007
Posts: 3301
Location: 多伦多,加拿大
黄洋界Collection
PostPosted: 2013-02-07 09:15:27    Post subject: Reply with quote

有人草创,有人润色,前者易,后者难,盖后者
难于猜度前者之心境也。当然,明显的词不达意者,
明显的不合律者,可以动小手术。而立意上要做大
手术就困难了。这是我的一孔之见。
当然, 盈枝兄是高明的医生,对友人的两首诗的改动,
对症施治,颇见功力。不吝赐教,值得赞赏。
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喜金石书画,友竹菊梅兰
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笑聊
探花


Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection
PostPosted: 2013-02-08 20:11:05    Post subject: Reply with quote

老师新春快乐!
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金金
进士出身


Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 2035
Location: 山东济宁
金金Collection
PostPosted: 2013-02-25 14:17:29    Post subject: Reply with quote

看改后的,确实有更务实的感觉。
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