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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

晚安（外一首）

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2012-10-29 08:05:01 Post subject: 晚安（外一首）

hepingdao
Site Admin

Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 8106

hepingdaoCollection

Posted: 2012-10-29 10:26:25 Post subject:

大不了变一只林中的鸟儿，只盼不是乌鸦一张古筝，三盏清茶风来时竹弄箫笛，月悬勾垂钓天籁自然而理想, 非常优美的梦想 _________________ 为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2012-10-31 06:15:17 Post subject:

hepingdao wrote:

大不了变一只林中的鸟儿，只盼不是乌鸦

一张古筝，三盏清茶
风来时竹弄箫笛，月悬勾垂钓天籁

自然而理想, 非常优美的梦想
...

问好peace， happy halloween 万圣节好梦。

冷雨
秀才

Joined: 05 Nov 2010
Posts: 439

冷雨Collection

Posted: 2012-11-01 21:23:03 Post subject:

问好！

山城子
榜眼

Joined: 23 May 2007
Posts: 4771
Location: 中国贵州
山城子Collection

Posted: 2012-11-01 22:07:37 Post subject:

喜欢《好梦》！！语言很美！！ _________________ 诗是人生的雅伴儿。

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2012-11-02 10:02:02 Post subject:

冷雨 wrote:

问好！

问好雨

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2012-11-02 10:33:15 Post subject:

山城子 wrote:

喜欢《好梦》！！语言很美！！

谢谢老师鼓励，问好周末。

chenrunmin
进士出身

Joined: 21 Nov 2009
Posts: 2427
Location: nanjing.jiangsu.china.
chenrunminCollection

Posted: 2012-11-03 10:08:18 Post subject:

欣赏。问好。龙年快乐幸福，吉祥如意！ _________________ 一个来自南京，普通大众中的人。

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2012-11-03 11:04:04 Post subject:

问好润民君

杯中冲浪
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Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 2891
Location: 中国
杯中冲浪Collection

Posted: 2012-11-05 11:08:02 Post subject:

案头那些散落的竹简 _________________ 杯中冲浪.披履而行 http://blog.sina.com.cn/shoutao006

金金
进士出身

Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 2035
Location: 山东济宁
金金Collection

Posted: 2012-11-05 11:11:57 Post subject:

我喜欢第二首的真情意 _________________ http://blog.sina.com.cn/shirenjinjin

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2012-11-06 12:10:41 Post subject:

杯中冲浪 wrote:

案头
那些散落的竹简

问好冲浪。等你新作

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2012-11-06 12:11:20 Post subject:

金金 wrote:

我喜欢第二首的真情意

谢谢金金

远狼
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Joined: 04 Nov 2012
Posts: 436
Location: 中国重庆
远狼Collection

Posted: 2012-11-08 11:44:53 Post subject:

【好梦】月悬勾垂钓天籁，亦任净土随意翻风来竹弄箫笛声，好梦欲去青翠绊 _________________ __________________________ 诗书短文章，潦草乃为狂。管他载道否，吾趣吾自张。 http://blog.sina.com.cn/huolu9

白水
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Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2012-11-09 04:08:32 Post subject:

远狼 wrote:

【好梦】
月悬勾垂钓天籁，亦任净土随意翻
风来竹弄箫笛声，好梦欲去青翠绊
...

谢谢远狼君和诗，言简意赅，喜欢。
如若“声”改成仄声字，“绊”换成平声字读起来会更顺些。

七绝平起首局不押韵的格律为：
⊙○⊙●○○●，⊙●○○●●△
⊙●⊙○○●●，⊙○⊙●●○△

○用平声字　●用仄声字
⊙应平可仄　◎应仄可平
△用平声韵　▲用仄声韵

当然，若未注明绝呀律的，无须这么严格。但句尾那个字稍稍注意韵律会好许多。小建议，不妥见谅 Embarassed

周末愉快

远狼
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Joined: 04 Nov 2012
Posts: 436
Location: 中国重庆
远狼Collection

Posted: 2012-11-12 17:25:21 Post subject:

白水 Moonlight wrote:

远狼 wrote:

【好梦】
月悬勾垂钓天籁，亦任净土随意翻
风来竹弄箫笛声，好梦欲去青翠绊
...

谢谢远狼君和诗，言简意赅，喜欢。
...

我试着改了改
月悬勾垂钓天籁，亦任净土随意翻
风来弄竹箫笛贫，好梦欲去青翠牵

最后一字本想改为“掀”又觉得意境太闹了，用“牵”吧与“翻”又不同韵（平水），勉强用之意境又没有“绊”深了。还请白水君看看平仄可是对了，勉强算不算得七绝。
_________________
__________________________
诗书短文章，潦草乃为狂。
管他载道否，吾趣吾自张。
http://blog.sina.com.cn/huolu9

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2012-11-13 12:35:00 Post subject:

远狼好，改过的感觉更好些。我很少用平水韵，更喜欢新韵。 http://oson.ca/viewtopic.php?t=38724 这里有个链接，有兴趣不妨看看。古韵新音有几位老师和版主很好，水平比我高得多，人品也好，有时间也可与他们多交流。握

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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