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三月
诗之剑
童生


Joined: 20 Feb 2007
Posts: 11

诗之剑Collection
PostPosted: 2007-04-04 09:45:19    Post subject: 三月 Reply with quote

三月
——诗之剑

所有的秘密都潜藏在钟表的核心
尽管秒针、分针、时针都赤裸着身子
羽化的三月
总有什么像被亚当遗弃的无花果枝
形成强烈对比的
唯独一株随心所欲的蒲公英:
一边是蓓蕾的次第绽放
一边是硕果的凌风欲飞
可是,此刻眼前并没有一株蒲公英
那么,去接触千丝万缕的垂柳挽留不住的
一条一心东去的小河吧:
轻涛细浪、波光粼粼的两岸
芳草萋萋、鸟鸣宛转
旖旎的景色令人悦目赏心、忘返流连……
可是,遗憾的是
此刻并不能轻易就能接近几只鸭子游不出
春秋的一条小河——
与烟花江南遥遥相对的莽莽塞北
乌鲁木齐的上空偶尔还会飘着雪花
在沙依巴克区友好路上
川流不息的人群中
有一位步履蹒跚颤颤巍巍的维吾尔老人
依旧裹着厚厚的冬衣踏着三月的脚步——
想想他的目标也许并不遥远
他的脚步只想赶上
赶上他手中紧握的拐杖……

2007-03-新疆-乌鲁木齐
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赵福治
探花


Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 3456
Location: 中国北京
赵福治Collection
PostPosted: 2007-04-04 18:14:35    Post subject: Reply with quote

质朴.
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三色堇
秀才


Joined: 25 Nov 2006
Posts: 148
Location: 西安
三色堇Collection
PostPosted: 2007-04-04 22:36:45    Post subject: Reply with quote

可在简练些哦
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孙慧峰
童生


Joined: 09 Oct 2006
Posts: 97

孙慧峰Collection
PostPosted: 2007-04-06 03:15:46    Post subject: Reply with quote

过满了.
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诗之剑
童生


Joined: 20 Feb 2007
Posts: 11

诗之剑Collection
PostPosted: 2007-04-06 10:59:21    Post subject: Reply with quote

孙慧峰 wrote:
过满了.

连锁反应!!!
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2007-04-08 07:09:00    Post subject: Reply with quote

他的脚步只想赶上
赶上他手中紧握的拐杖……

新意, 形象.
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nobody
进士出身


Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection
PostPosted: 2007-04-08 15:14:22    Post subject: Reply with quote

语言优美,开头结尾都很好。
_________________
I'm nobody! Who are you?
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诗之剑
童生


Joined: 20 Feb 2007
Posts: 11

诗之剑Collection
PostPosted: 2007-04-09 08:04:53    Post subject: Reply with quote

nobody wrote:
语言优美,开头结尾都很好。


致意!!!
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诗之剑
童生


Joined: 20 Feb 2007
Posts: 11

诗之剑Collection
PostPosted: 2007-04-12 08:05:08    Post subject: Reply with quote

赵福治 wrote:
质朴.

问好!!!
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杨海军
进士出身


Joined: 01 Mar 2007
Posts: 2205
Location: 吉林
杨海军Collection
PostPosted: 2007-04-12 16:07:05    Post subject: Reply with quote

读了多遍,感觉这首诗羽翼饱满,沉稳质朴,我很喜欢。如果你把诗的前半部和诗的后半部断开成节的话,回头再看这首诗,那就会发现很美的,诗歌的跨度就出来了,想象空间也就出来了。另外“步履蹒跚颤颤巍巍”重复,可用第一个;“轻涛细浪、波光粼粼的两岸 芳草萋萋、鸟鸣宛转 ”这四句也有些累,删掉诗人是不是很心疼?因为很喜欢这首诗,才大胆妄言,请诗人不要介意!只是本人之想法。祝诗人愉快!!!!
Smile
_________________
走了很久了。还清晰地望见/身后那盏明灭的灯火/好像我们走的越久越远/故乡的那盏灯就越亮
——拙作《离开村庄》
http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1269376751
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