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鹧鸪天-夏和白云兄
笑聊
探花


Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection
PostPosted: 2010-09-10 17:17:07    Post subject: 鹧鸪天-夏和白云兄 Reply with quote

和上一首鹧鸪天:

绿水青山好景幽,
心情旷放不知愁。
热风渡遍荷花在,
美酒三杯赞歌悠。

轻举步,展明眸。
婷婷玉立众花柔。
细观慢赏吟诗去,
扇底摇出秀画浮。

匆匆临屏,错误难免,恳请指正。

谢谢白云兄指正!已作修改。
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影沉寒水
举人


Joined: 16 Feb 2010
Posts: 1145
Location: 中国福建
影沉寒水Collection
PostPosted: 2010-09-11 03:06:56    Post subject: Reply with quote

细观慢赏吟诗去,

好闲适
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诗无涯。思在线
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白云闲人
探花


Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection
PostPosted: 2010-09-11 08:09:58    Post subject: Reply with quote

謝笑聊和詞!

綠水菡萏秀,
青山景緻幽.
三杯纯美酒,
深情把歌讴

笑聊,与你切磋:
(1) "塘"乃第二部平声,而"幽、愁、悠、柔、浮"为第十二部平声,互不押韵.可否将"輕举步,望荷塘"变为"举輕步,展明眸";
(2) 建议:结句的"绝"画,改为"佳"画或"秀"画等等.这里不適宜用"绝"画.
仅供参攷!
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诗中岁月,
笛里关山.
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笑聊
探花


Joined: 05 Jan 2010
Posts: 3448
Location: 中国江苏无锡
笑聊Collection
PostPosted: 2010-09-11 13:53:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

谢谢白云兄指正!已作修改。
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白云闲人
探花


Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection
PostPosted: 2010-09-12 08:13:04    Post subject: Reply with quote

笑聊,多交流,乐悠悠!
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诗中岁月,
笛里关山.
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