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[原创]投第三期 为什么我眼里没有了泪水
上城
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PostPosted: 2007-03-15 01:30:27    Post subject: [原创]投第三期 为什么我眼里没有了泪水 Reply with quote

[color=blue]为什么我眼里没有了泪水

如一眼枯干的井,
再也照不出水汪汪的影。
于是静默;清风吹过
在那无情的底
走不出捧心皱眉的越女子。
殷勤的青鸟
坠落
坠落
飞来又飞去
三年旱,六月雪,红素练
都付与一个旷古的誓愿;
甚至来不及把那颗多情的草浇灌。

面对着这疮痍的大地
为什么我的眼里没有了泪水?
因为那一滴早已流干。
[/color]
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赵福治
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PostPosted: 2007-03-15 01:42:19    Post subject: Reply with quote

为什么我的眼里没有了泪水?
因为那一滴早已流干...深情.
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杯中冲浪
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PostPosted: 2007-03-15 04:20:59    Post subject: Reply with quote

欢迎。
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上城
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PostPosted: 2007-03-21 23:49:34    Post subject: Reply with quote

不是忧郁的深情,而是转化为坚定的决绝。最初受到艾青的启发,故始终有一种旋律徘徊在脑中,不能忘怀。我觉得这首诗在艺术呈现上超越了他那深沉的土地。 这是我所写的最完美的一首小诗。我追求清晰,明澈,干净的境地。但在语言呈现上,有些遗憾。比如:第一句用“眼”而不用“口”,还有用“疮痍”代替“苦难”。“眼”,“井”,“照”,“影”。口似乎更形象些,而“眼”与“影”的搭配也更有意味。总之不能兼顾。还有要找一个词来形容的土地,无力得很。还就此请教于大方之家!
诗中“坠落,坠落”四个字是神来之笔,当初我写的时候完全没有预料到。在排版上四字应分行错开,呈飞翔之态。
中国的历史是伟大的。如果我无力来表达这种伟大的孤独与深沉的忧伤,我感到负疚。现实却让人欲哭无泪,我感到更加的孤独与疲惫。为什么中国人活得如此的苦?
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杨光
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PostPosted: 2007-03-22 00:03:15    Post subject: Reply with quote

伤城 wrote:
不是忧郁的深情,而是转化为坚定的决绝。最初受到艾青的启发,故始终有一种旋律徘徊在脑中,不能忘怀。我觉得这首诗在艺术呈现上超越了他那深沉的土地。 这是我所写的最完美的一首小诗。我追求清晰,明澈,干净的境地。但在语言呈现上,有些遗憾。比如:第一句用“眼”而不用“口”,还有用“疮痍”代替“苦难”。“眼”,“井”,“照”,“影”。口似乎更形象些,而“眼”与“影”的搭配也更有意味。总之不能兼顾。还有要找一个词来形容的土地,无力得很。还就此请教于大方之家!
诗中“坠落,坠落”四个字是神来之笔,当初我写的时候完全没有预料到。在排版上四字应分行错开,呈飞翔之态。
中国的历史是伟大的。如果我无力来表达这种伟大的孤独与深沉的忧伤,我感到负疚。现实却让人欲哭无泪,我感到更加的孤独与疲惫。为什么中国人活得如此的苦?

是写得很不错,
去掉"因为那一滴早已流干。"更耐人寻味.
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nobody
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PostPosted: 2007-03-22 20:28:49    Post subject: Reply with quote

不错。达到了读者的期许,但或许还没有达到作者的期许。
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