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攀登
博弈
榜眼


Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection
PostPosted: 2010-04-22 14:39:29    Post subject: 攀登 Reply with quote

攀登

妳用乳房結白看著我的眼
。在膝關節痠著親山石階
一棵棵不知樹的耳片
  聽著我攀登呼吸
一盆霧靄聞著心地
蒸發,其餘無語






登某可遠眺富士山山
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杯中冲浪
进士出身


Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 2891
Location: 中国
杯中冲浪Collection
PostPosted: 2010-04-24 17:22:45    Post subject: Reply with quote

很难读懂啊。 Very Happy
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博弈
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Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection
PostPosted: 2010-04-26 18:14:22    Post subject: Reply with quote

含倒裝,物化,我化; 感官如意識(跳脫康德的意識統一論)
兼多喻(比如性愛的攀登亦可).
文字是跳脫傳統中文的.

大致試作如此.
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杯中冲浪
进士出身


Joined: 29 Sep 2006
Posts: 2891
Location: 中国
杯中冲浪Collection
PostPosted: 2010-04-26 19:00:50    Post subject: Reply with quote

博弈 wrote:
含倒裝,物化,我化; 感官如意識(跳脫康德的意識統一論)
...


如此一说,理解起来好多了。兄是在技巧里游戏,我是常常用普通者的眼光来看。我想,兄如果中庸一下,是否更利于受众?
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博弈
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Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection
PostPosted: 2010-04-27 00:49:07    Post subject: Reply with quote

攀登(改傳統一點)

我的眼看著富士山--山如乳房, 結白
。手腿爬山如親著石階, 膝蓋關節痠著(石階痠進骨頭裡去了)
一棵棵不知名的樹, 她的葉片如耳朵
  聽著我的呼吸, 每一步攀登下一個呼吸
盆地裡霧靄層層, 我的心如大地聞著氣息
蒸發,眼耳鼻心手腳隨之(之上幾行沒有寫'口'的部分)
其餘的, 口無語

隨筆就景解意如上,但就失去了女人為體(樹.山,盆地等)的性愛攀升.
"妳用乳房結白看著我的眼" 就是當我們注視著'妳'的乳房的時候,
'妳'的眼睛正在乳房的位置注視著注視的人; '用'字就帶注視者主觀派與
的心情(於景部分), 若是於人, 就可帶有埋怨蓄意的推理.

隨便看看就好. (改變語言習慣有時是我嚐試試驗的東西, 不一定好.) Crying or Very sad Laughing
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杯中冲浪
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Joined: 29 Sep 2006
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杯中冲浪Collection
PostPosted: 2010-04-27 04:19:19    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy Very Happy ,太过了!过犹不及。
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杯中冲浪
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Joined: 29 Sep 2006
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PostPosted: 2010-04-27 05:05:34    Post subject: Reply with quote

攀登

富士山,我攀爬着你的肉体
你用洁白的双乳如此温柔的看我
却拿高峻迫我膝地而行
我的呼吸高过松涛
淑女们假借各类木形
伏壁竟览唯一的男音
我喜悦,我知道我是唯一攀援凌峰的男人
雾霭如奶
自盆底的湿地袅袅而起


用你的手法也尝试一下,玩笑,不要责怪。
Very Happy
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白水
大学士


Joined: 02 Oct 2006
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Location: TORONTO
白水Collection
PostPosted: 2010-04-30 13:41:38    Post subject: Reply with quote

My God Shocked

两位论剑呢 Wink
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上城
进士出身


Joined: 15 Mar 2007
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PostPosted: 2010-04-30 20:43:37    Post subject: Reply with quote

色诗。有禅。很宫体。到日本诗都变色了。
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博弈
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Joined: 21 Dec 2006
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PostPosted: 2010-05-01 00:27:50    Post subject: Reply with quote

比较形象了。

杯中冲浪 wrote:
攀登
...
淑女假借各类木形
...


淑女假借各类木形

或許‘们’字不要更好。
有单一变形为多(相对于多对多的对应)
Wink
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杯中冲浪
进士出身


Joined: 29 Sep 2006
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Location: 中国
杯中冲浪Collection
PostPosted: 2010-05-01 17:10:57    Post subject: Reply with quote

博弈 wrote:
比较形象了。

杯中冲浪 wrote:
攀登
...
淑女假借各类木形
...


淑女假借各类木形
...


我感觉到了,想用“们”表示树木林立的感觉,其实不必要。另外,富士山只是一个山峰,用“双乳”也是有问题的。
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清平
童生


Joined: 02 Apr 2010
Posts: 6
Location: Canada
清平Collection
PostPosted: 2010-05-01 18:27:55    Post subject: Reply with quote

说破了,如何品味?
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上城
进士出身


Joined: 15 Mar 2007
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PostPosted: 2010-05-02 09:24:12    Post subject: Reply with quote

白水 Moonlight wrote:
My God Shocked

两位论剑呢 Wink


何不论“色”?
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博弈
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Joined: 21 Dec 2006
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PostPosted: 2010-05-02 10:28:59    Post subject: Reply with quote

我这瞎写。瞎子多了能不能找出方向?难说。
走在一个方向上的瞎子,如果未见减少(没掉下去,或撞死),
甚至更成长,能不能说瞎子们的方向是对的?难说。

有个相对性的说法是诗人是属于一个文化的,
哲学家是属于全人类的,这大致上
是在说理性在知识认知部分的涵盖上,
哲学是大于诗的,唯色例外。
假设命题:哲学如剑诗如色。
论证:博弈很无聊!
Laughing
发展中文在文学上的一个做法就是
以中文来写非中文文化里的事物,
也就是说以中文来诗写非洲,美洲,
亚洲等等。那么,我看到的富士山
就不必然须带有日本旧既有文化的影响,
试想一下,如果李杜看到富士山
或密西西比河,大概也会有非同其
地域文化的文字。

结论:哲学家是瞎子. Wink
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上城
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PostPosted: 2010-05-02 10:49:23    Post subject: Reply with quote

三位论“诗”,两位论“色”。博弈举起了大石头,我没有接住,把谁的脚砸了?原来 Very Happy
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