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五绝玉树地震

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qinghongh
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Posted: 2010-04-21 09:13:44 Post subject: 五绝玉树地震

五绝玉树地震玉树骤临风，苍天也动容。一腔悲愤血，化作中国红。

君山楚女
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Posted: 2010-04-21 13:24:53 Post subject:

先生情真意切，好诗！这正是：天地起狂风，歇斯欲毁容，炎黄相拥抱，玉树吐新红。 _________________ 学习的敌人是自己的满足，要认真学习一点东西，必须从不自满开始。——毛泽东

白云闲人
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Posted: 2010-04-21 13:40:21 Post subject:

地震災难重, 山河亦动容. 全民齐发动, 援助此心同. _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

qinghongh
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Posted: 2010-04-21 13:41:48 Post subject:

谢谢君山兄及白云老师和诗。

笑聊
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Joined: 05 Jan 2010
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Posted: 2010-04-21 19:04:21 Post subject:

依韵临屏和玉树临灾日，神州已动容。八方伸援手，大道证心红。

qinghongh
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Posted: 2010-04-21 19:23:10 Post subject:

谢谢笑聊兄和诗。

黄洋界
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Posted: 2010-04-21 20:02:37 Post subject:

玉树灾情重人神尽动容家园重建日瞩望瑞云红 _________________ ++++++++++++++ 喜金石书画，友竹菊梅兰

秋叶
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Posted: 2010-04-21 20:19:58 Post subject:

qinghongh wrote:

五绝玉树地震

玉树骤临风，苍天也动容。
一腔悲愤血，化作中国红。

庆宏兄动人之作，和上一首：

玉树遇强震，折腰更改容。
重生浴火后，涅影化霓虹。

qinghongh
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Posted: 2010-04-22 08:33:08 Post subject:

谢谢黄老师及秋叶兄和诗。

宁家珍
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Posted: 2010-04-23 01:49:23 Post subject:

一腔悲愤血，化作中国红。欣赏，问候qinghongh老师。

qinghongh
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Posted: 2010-04-23 03:20:27 Post subject:

宁家珍 wrote:

一腔悲愤血，化作中国红。

欣赏，问候qinghongh老师。

谢谢家珍诗友。

qinghongh
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Posted: 2010-04-26 13:46:27 Post subject:

qinghongh wrote:

五绝玉树地震

玉树骤临风，苍天也动容。
一腔悲愤血，化作中国红。

谢谢诸位诗友的和诗。有诗友提出，“中国红”涵义不够清楚，我在这里主要指中国人的血都是一样的红。有血气，抗震灾，就象国歌所唱：“把我们的血肉筑成我们新的长城！”

为避免涵义不够清楚，新改如下。请诗友比较指正：

五绝玉树地震

玉树骤临风，苍天也动容。
抗灾一奋起，无愧中华龙。

白云闲人
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Posted: 2010-04-26 17:40:02 Post subject:

庆宏,诗经此一改,含意更清晰,气势更好! 但是,在平仄上,請你是否应再推敲一下! _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

qinghongh
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Posted: 2010-04-26 18:47:54 Post subject:

白云闲人 wrote:

庆宏,诗经此一改,含意更清晰,气势更好! 但是,在平仄上,請你是否应再推敲一下!

谢谢白云老师！我查过平仄，这首诗属五绝仄起首句押韵，即：

仄-平，
平-仄。
平-仄，
仄-平。

相应为：
树-临，
天-动。
灾-奋，
愧-华。

风，容，龙。（中华新韵）

白云闲人
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Posted: 2010-04-26 18:59:01 Post subject:

庆宏,我們來切磋一下: 五绝仄起首句押韵格律为: 十仄仄平平 (韵), 平平仄仄平 (韵). 十平平仄仄, 十仄仄平平 (韵). < "一"为仄声; "中"为平声. > 共同欣賞两首古诗: 塞下曲 (卢纶) 林暗草惊风, 将軍夜引弓. 平明寻白羽, 没在石棱中. 秋日湖上(薛瑩) 落日五湖遊, 煙波處處愁. 浮沉千古事, 誰與問東流? _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

qinghongh
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Posted: 2010-04-26 19:58:04 Post subject:

谢谢白云老师指出！“一”是又平又仄，“中”为平声，这里的确值得推敲，我只注意了2-4关键字，忽略了这两字。谢谢！新改如下：五绝玉树地震玉树骤临风，苍天也动容。抗灾齐奋起，华夏耀星空。请白云老师指正。

秋叶
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Posted: 2010-04-26 20:45:16 Post subject:

qinghongh wrote:

谢谢白云老师指出！“一”是又平又仄，“中”为平声，这里的确值得推敲，我只注意了2-4关键字，忽略了这两字。谢谢！
...

庆宏兄，一，三，五有时候也论的，如“无愧中华龙”是三平调了。

我还是觉得“抗灾齐奋起，华夏耀星空。”有点口号化，是否可再推敲，比如下面比较亲切些：

玉树骤临风，苍天也动容。
救灾齐尽力，你我此心同。

供参考。

笑聊
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Joined: 05 Jan 2010
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Posted: 2010-04-27 03:47:48 Post subject:

庆宏兄你好！看了你改过的诗，直觉上觉得还是第一首好，“一腔悲愤血，化作中国红”何等豪迈气派！

qinghongh
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Posted: 2010-04-27 08:34:54 Post subject:

谢谢秋叶兄笑聊兄意见！

白云闲人
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Joined: 26 Aug 2007
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Posted: 2010-04-27 11:29:50 Post subject:

庆宏,你的思维很敏捷,修飾速度真快. _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

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