Maple Review Home
   Chinese Literature Society of North America | Maple Review | Immigrants in Canada | Angel Studio | The Driftwood Artist Society | Ocean of Poetry | Island of Music
"HuaHe Cup" 2007 Chinese Mainland and Oversea Poetry Competition and Non-governmental Magazines and Newspapers Joint Exhibition starts on the first day of 2007.
  
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister  ProfileProfile    Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Sign inSign in   BlogsBlogs    Weblogs NewsWeblogs News   AlbumAlbum 
English Home Bilingual Home Chinese Home
Dictionary Check Poems' Rules & Forms Search for Chinese Poems Poetry & Music

Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌 Post new topic   Reply to topic
门前的狗
寒丁
童生


Joined: 16 Mar 2007
Posts: 40

寒丁Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-16 18:45:10    Post subject: 门前的狗 Reply with quote

门前的狗
文/寒丁

门前那只狗
懒洋洋的晒着太阳

姿势,像熟睡的少妇
许多人经过都停下脚步看看

在它前方一米开外
有一根还新鲜的骨头
把太阳愈晒愈软
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Blog
和平岛
举人


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-16 19:05:55    Post subject: Reply with quote

非常好


在它前方一米开外
有一根还新鲜的骨头
也在晒着太阳

有一根还新鲜的骨头: 应该是不是纯粹的骨头
应该是指作者自己

略改一个字:
把太阳愈晒愈软
你看怎么样?
_________________
写诗是为了写更好的诗
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Blog Visit poster's website
寒丁
童生


Joined: 16 Mar 2007
Posts: 40

寒丁Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-16 19:25:56    Post subject: Reply with quote

改的生动

门前的狗
文/寒丁

门前那只狗
懒洋洋的晒着太阳

姿势,像熟睡的少妇
许多人经过都停下脚步看看

在它前方一米开外
有一根还新鲜的骨头
也在晒着太阳
把太阳愈晒愈软
_________________
冷是另一种暖
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Blog
和平岛
举人


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 1277
Location: Victoria, Canada
和平岛Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-16 19:28:05    Post subject: Reply with quote

1.
懒洋洋的晒着太阳

也在晒着太阳

有点单调;

2.
有一根还新鲜的骨头
如果解释成你自己, 也在门口晒太阳
就生动起来了

太阳大, 你也懒洋洋, 把头低垂下来, 那么你(一根还新鲜的骨头)
也就"把太阳愈晒愈软", 其实是你自己像那条狗, 吐火的舌头, 软....

也在晒着太阳
还是去掉的好
Very Happy

瞎解释, 不一定合意
Cool
_________________
写诗是为了写更好的诗
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Blog Visit poster's website
寒丁
童生


Joined: 16 Mar 2007
Posts: 40

寒丁Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-16 21:16:00    Post subject: Reply with quote

十分感谢和平先生,正合我意
我开始也想去掉“也在晒着太阳 ”,但不敢确定,所以没动这句,这回好了,重新编辑好了。
呵呵,把我看成那“狗”了,哈哈!!
先生的解析没错,我这个诗歌本身就是多意的。
很高兴能跟先生交流!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Blog
Display posts from previous:   
Emoticons
Very Happy Smile Sad Surprised
Shocked Confused Cool Laughing
Mad Razz Embarassed Crying or Very sad
Evil or Very Mad Twisted Evil Rolling Eyes Wink
Exclamation Question Idea Arrow
View more Emoticons
Page 1 of 1           View previous topic View next topic    
Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌    Post new topic   Reply to topic
Jump to:  


Once you post your works here, that means you submits them to the magazine of Maple Review (North American Maple, or BeiMeiFeng), a bilingual journal published by Chinese Literature Society of North America. The magazine holds the right to translate them into Chinese, and publish them in both languages. You need to be responsible for the copyright issues of your own files uploaded.
Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group
phpBB Chinese interface was translated by iCy-fLaME