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浣溪沙 荷花赞
宁家珍
秀才


Joined: 20 May 2009
Posts: 470
Location: 中国黄山
宁家珍Collection
PostPosted: 2009-05-20 04:32:31    Post subject: 浣溪沙 荷花赞 Reply with quote
浣溪沙 荷花赞
文/宁家珍

粉色佳人伫碧塘，
玲珑剔透吐清香。
淡妆浓抹亦相彰。

露洗容颜尤焕发，
风吹体态更端庄。
情歌一曲对穹苍。
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白云闲人
探花


Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection
PostPosted: 2009-05-20 05:03:11    Post subject: Reply with quote
情景交融,词措华丽,荷态尽显.好!
有一点与你磋商:上片末句"相益"的平仄是否可再加斟酌!
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宁家珍
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Joined: 20 May 2009
Posts: 470
Location: 中国黄山
宁家珍Collection
PostPosted: 2009-05-20 05:23:20    Post subject: Reply with quote
谢谢白云先生。此处用了拗救。本应该是仄平，现在是平仄，句中自救。
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戴玨
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Joined: 03 Jan 2007
Posts: 808

戴玨Collection
PostPosted: 2009-05-20 06:26:08    Post subject: Reply with quote
宁家珍 wrote:
谢谢白云先生。此处用了拗救。本应该是仄平，现在是平仄，句中自救。

律句的拗救并無此格，更何況這是詞，平仄比詩要嚴。
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宁家珍
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Joined: 20 May 2009
Posts: 470
Location: 中国黄山
宁家珍Collection
PostPosted: 2009-05-20 06:55:44    Post subject: Reply with quote
谢谢戴玨先生致电。还请提宝贵意见。
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