Maple Review :: View topic - 写一点心情文字，多批评、提出宝贵意见。

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

写一点心情文字，多批评、提出宝贵意见。

陈陈
童生

Joined: 23 Jan 2009
Posts: 46

陈陈Collection

Posted: 2009-05-14 15:09:22 Post subject: 写一点心情文字，多批评、提出宝贵意见。

建一个新唐山也可以建设一个新汶川可是我想要清醒在悲伤之前找到痛苦的答案我想要尘埃落定歌声中扬起笑脸我想要美好不再破损多么困难五月我回到沉默的溶洞一些泪还在流尖利刺痛着我母亲你一生在辛劳中微笑为着把希望和美好留在世间我就是你的美好可是我常常找不到自己的含义母亲你尘土中的孩子梦见了你你告诉我我不是你的美好我只是你希望的一部分你把美好留给了我的追求我跟在你的后面在不觉中衰老母亲我梦见了你的笑容、没有变你的美好、没有变、不会改变 … …

白水
大学士

Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 14102
Location: TORONTO
白水Collection

Posted: 2009-05-14 16:04:43 Post subject:

你把美好留给了我的追求我跟在你的后面

陈陈
童生

Joined: 23 Jan 2009
Posts: 46

陈陈Collection

Posted: 2009-05-15 02:50:49 Post subject:

问好白水

sfiawong
秀才

Joined: 05 May 2009
Posts: 813
Location: US/HK
sfiawongCollection

Posted: 2009-05-16 00:07:05 Post subject:

好,好,言之有物, 不似一些無病呻吟之詩作. 每個朝代的文化,當要有真實批評. 你肯接受人之批評,足見有誠意. 不錯的詩篇. 不是無病呻吟. 凡批評的: 不能大批鬥,不是不許摸老虎的屁股! _________________ 有評必回應. Love your relatives and friends when they are near you. 我的英文詩: http://poemhunter.com/albert-wong http://facebook.com/sfiawong

陈陈
童生

Joined: 23 Jan 2009
Posts: 46

陈陈Collection

Posted: 2009-05-16 05:19:29 Post subject:

问好，感谢阅读！欢迎批评，交流。

sfiawong
秀才

Joined: 05 May 2009
Posts: 813
Location: US/HK
sfiawongCollection

Posted: 2009-05-17 12:53:05 Post subject:

陳陳君: 我想要尘埃落定歌声中扬起笑脸這兩句真的很好:有點古意.尤其是第二句. 全詩都甚有感情.沒有無病呻吟的味道.好呀加油,努力呀...! _________________ 有評必回應. Love your relatives and friends when they are near you. 我的英文詩: http://poemhunter.com/albert-wong http://facebook.com/sfiawong

慈林
秀才

Joined: 20 Dec 2008
Posts: 419
Location: 洛杉矶
慈林Collection

Posted: 2009-05-17 12:59:28 Post subject:

诗都不错,白了一些,有精进空间.

陈陈
童生

Joined: 23 Jan 2009
Posts: 46

陈陈Collection

Posted: 2009-05-17 15:50:08 Post subject:

多谢两位的阅读和意见！

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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

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